Monday, March 23, 2020
This year I turn 49 years old. That's just one year away from me being 50. Half a century old. Well, in recent months, I have come to realize that I am enjoying sex a lot more. Even when writing Evolution of My Bottoming and Evolution of My Toppping, I was unaware that this growing love of sex was happening. What makes me most proud of it is the fact that this joy is achieved without any kind of substances. No poppers. No alcohol. No marijuana. And nothing harder. This joy of sex from foreplay to orgasm is made from a clear mind.
So with substance-abuse being too much a common part of gay sex, I decided to take a step back and think about what got me to this point. And what can I say for others in my age, or will at some point become my age, feel inspired to follow so they can have the same joy. I'm not going to promise you that some of these reason won't be controversial, but like I said, they got me to this point. Maybe they can do the same for you in some way.
I came out late
Over the years of questioning my sexual orientation, I observed and listened to various aspects reported in the media of gay male sexuality by gay males. This allowed me to decide if I ever came out as gay or bisexual what I wanted out of my gay sexual encounters. Instead of like many gay males who come out young, listening to a more seasoned gay male who is very likely jaded and doing various physically and mentally unhealthy means to escape past traumas that have left scars on the body, heart, and mind.
This is not to say that coming out young is a guarantee of you not coming up with a list such as mine. But my observations have shown me that it is not common for a young gay male to make such a list for themselves. They often follow the aforementioned wrong path young, then grow old still following it, and passing it on to the next generation of gays. Hence the massive substance-abusing dysfunction that plagues the LGBTQ+ community today.
I've gotten over my prostituting moments
Unfortunately, prostitution is a commonality in the gay male community. Ignorant and often hypocritical parents push their children towards prostitution by throwing them out of the house when the child is discovered to be any degree of gay. Also, other (usually older) gay males exploit them with prostitution through gay nightlife, porn, and escorting sites. This leaves that gay male to survive by turning the only thing they have left into a commodity--- their body.
No one of mentally and emotionally sound mind sets out to be a prostitute. So prostitution is what a mentally and emotionally healthy person resorts to when they are broken down by the world around them, and backed into a financial corner. Sadly, the older gay males in our community, particularly those on the down low and the older gays selling out the younger gays don't want our community as a whole to ever realize that. That is why the escorting sites are allowed a place in many Gay Pride Marches.
The problem is as someone who was never an escort, but had prostituting moments in his porn and go-go dancing career, I am too aware of what that life does to one's psyche.
I have written a number of times about how much I loathed the gay-for-pay bitch in denial, Double R, who I got stuck working with in my scene for "Love of the Dick IV". His antics made him nothing I wanted to have sex with, yet out of a need for the underpaid rate ethnic studios pay their models, I did it. That prostituting moment haunted me for quite awhile. Resulting in me often having flashes of it during a sexual encounter in which I was feeling great joy. This especially would happen during encounters in which I was topping. Resulting in me losing my erection.
Keeping that result in mind, what do you think would happen to someone who makes such joyless sexual encounters their everyday? Like an escort. Making sex a chore, instead of a means for pleasure. A compartmentalizing that is contradictory to what sex was made for. One would have to use something, like drugs or alcohol to lessen the reaction to or totally repress flashbacks of such encounters. And do note that the more times you do it, the more flashbacks you're setting yourself up for having. Hence why substance abuse is such a commonality in any sex work void of sexual attraction. And sadly, such emotionless sex work is a commonality in prostituting, being a porn actor, or being a go-go boy.
When I told a friend about those flashbacks, he suggested that I seek professional help for it. I paused considering it for just a second. Because not to be the media-proposed black male refusing mental health assistance, I realized it was unnecessary for me. For in that revelation to him, and numerous times prior on my social media formats, I realized by that point that I no longer had the flashbacks. I had self-therapized through my writing.
This is why if you've seen me in recent months at a sex party/backroom as a top, then you've seen me enjoying my bottom for a good while. Not abruptly stopping like I used to, which was before because a memory flash killed my hard-on. Now, such abrupt stopping is because the bottom overdosed on poppers and/or he's a size queen that never does kegels so his hole is too lose to pleasure me.
With that said, the reason I am growing in my love of sex as I get older is because I no longer have to repress a flashback to that trauma from surfacing. Nor do I have to block out a reaction to one.
I believe in God, but not religion
Another cause of substance abuse for many gays is because they are trying to repress hearing the anti-gay teachings of their parents and/or religious leaders. If you've read my poem and backstories about the guy I refer to as "Poppered Preacher", he claimed to love poppers, and do recreational use of meth... He was studying to be a minister when we met. But further proving the hypocrisy of religion, he is actually a minister now.
Besides him, I have yet to meet a gay male who has close ties to a church or religion who does not partake of some kind of substance abuse, and that includes poppers. This is not to say that it's impossible for one to exist, but it thus far seems extremely rare. The reason for that rarity is because they need to tune out the voices telling them that their love of gay sex is wrong. Like with prostituting, they need to repress the voices, or avoid reaction to them.
My attempt of belonging to a church to house my belief in God ended with Poppered Preacher. And while I had already come to a point of hearing less of a voice damning me for my love of the male form (heart, mind, body & soul), it really became silenced after he incited me putting that final nail in the coffin of religion.
So like I've said in that article and many social media posts, I still believe in God. To the point that I will not date a guy who doesn't believe in God. But my belief in God is not confined to me following a religion or church.
I don't play games
Many gay males play games in their sexual conquest. It's a subconscious overcompensation to give a big "FUCK YOU" to those who said that we are "less than" because we are some level of gay; because we gay males, instead of using our dicks to create children with and give pleasure to the opposite sex, we use our penis (and butts) to give pleasure to another male. In short, being man enough to live that truth. Unfortunately, many of us undo that earned manhood each time we treat each other as disposable entities to proclaim our sexual worth.
These issues can contribute to anyone of any color as to why they partake of substance abuse during sex. However, there is one thing that can incite substance abuse during sex that I just realized its existence over New Year's. Thereby also realizing the many ways it spares me.
I am not white, or the socially acceptable light-complexioned
For New Year's, I traveled all the way from NYC to Lancaster, PA to be with someone who I thought was a friend. A true friend with benefits. He is white, the same age as me, and looked good for his age, so I thought. On the night I arrived, when we were supposed to be having sex, he was doing marijuana, cocaine, and to my surprise, meth. I will admit that I did partake of the former 2 of the 3. Being true to how I've always said that my sex partner is my only high, my partaking was not out of a "necessity" for a high. It was instead because even though I've had enough experiences to know the answer, I was still wondering if I'm missing something in asking: WHAT IS THE PAY-OFF TO DRUG USE DURING SEX?
This time around however, I finally realized that while there is still no pay-off, I was and always will be missing a trait as to what drives the "necessity" in people like him...
I'm not white. Nor am I light-complexioned.
I'm sure you're wondering what that has to do with anything. The fact is that it is naturally ingrained in our DNA that none of us are any better than the other. Especially because of color. However, just about every aspect of the gay community and the media influencing it is run by insecure, racist white males. And they advise every white male to pride themselves on their being white.
Focus on the colorism within racism, and you also have light-complexioned people of color assuming the same kind of behavior. For I have long said that the racism in the gay community makes the gay community like Pre-Civil Rights Movement America. Where light-complexioned people are given preferential treatment and the preferred color over medium to dark-complexioned people in regards to sex appeal.
This makes sexual conquest much more obtainable for both white and light-complexioned people. However, as with all things so easily accessible, the people become spoiled. Taking the sex and the person they have acquired for granted. Treating them as disposable entities. That's why in sexually permissive spaces, white and light-complexioned males jump from one person to another way more easily, without the slightest bit of remorse over wasting that person's time. Meanwhile, a medium to darker person of color finds a person of interest, and wants to hold on to them for a bit. Yet to a white/light person willing to take them for granted, they can come off as being overly possessive.
In any case, being the socially acceptable color can eventually make a white/light person’s easy access to sex become old. Sex will lose its excitement and be nowhere near as stimulating substance-free as it was in their younger days. So they start to believe they need a new sensation to give sex a boost. That new sensation could be from anything from poppers, marijuana, or harder drugs, like cocaine, heroine, or crystal meth. Like in the aforementioned situation I had.
When I find someone I desire to have sex, I have less of a false sense of being sexual royalty plaguing my mind. I already don't fit the mold simply because I'm Black. But I am not altering my appearance with the intent to fit the racist white porn-induced idea of a "beautiful black male" either. For with my small frame, there's also my refusal to shave my head as a means to remove my African descent. So be my encounter in private or in public, I'M FREE. Your typical white/light male does not have that luxury. If they are not expected to at least be a certain body type, they are always expected to choose a certain color and body type and behave a certain way during sex. In addition to their encounters becoming boring, these added pressures also contributes to the substance abuse during sex.
This is not to say though that a white/light person can't have the same growing joy of sex that I do. Just as racist imagery makes some black males ignorantly pride themselves on their large penis, white/light males have to stop priding their conquest on their white/light skin. For that is enabling both racism and colorism, to which the karma for anyone of any color is emptiness and loneliness. Even during the act of sex.
Sex is a natural act, and the pleasure from it is to be obtained naturally. However, you diminish how naturally that pleasure is obtained when you add lack of self-identification, as well as religious ghosts, ego-stroking head games, and attitudes of entitlement to the mix. For all of those things will have you seeking a way to numb your conscience from reacting to them. Then you will have to ask yourself if that pleasure is real. For how actual was that pleasure when the only part you remember is the substance you took to get in the act. Yet you remember little to no specifics of the pleasure itself.
So the best thing to do is to rid yourself of that mental and emotional baggage to make yourself a better lover, and overall,... a better you. And part of that being a better you is to remember that just because you're getting older, that doesn't mean that the joy of sex has to get old,...and boring.