Friday, October 30, 2015

Upside-Down Heart Ass

This one guy was making eyes with me from a distance at a bar. At first, I tried to avoid eye contact because I thought he was someone else. A drug addicted someone else from my past. Later on, he stood next to me at the bar to order a drink. This was the point where I realized that he wasn't who I dreaded him being. So I could now proceed further with seeing where this attraction would go.

In my usual observation to bar backrooms, I saw him. As I continued further, I saw him make out with a couple of guys, but this fat guy was the one who was about to have sex with him.

The fat guy was huffing on poppers. And like all guys dumb enough to use poppers as a crutch, once his dick got hard enough to enter him, in just a few thrusts, his dick started going limp. So he would fall out of the guy, then jerk himself to get hard so he could get back in the bottom. But this one time, it took so long that the fat guy backed up and out. This allowed the bottom to turn to me. Inviting me to do what our looks earlier showed we wanted....It was now my turn to fuck his ass. And I felt this was not a time to fuck bareback. For the thought of letting my precious cock touch the remnants of that poppered-up, limp-dick fucktard that was in him before me disgusted me. For this I say, thank goodness for condoms.

When the other guy had him, I could see the bottom's ass from a profile angle. This time, I could get the best view possible. From being behind him while thrusting in and out of him. So he stood up to turn my way, then once in front of me, he bent over again awaiting my hard cock's entry.

Just as my dick as starting to go soft from watching the popper-addict's struggle, this guy putting his ass in front of me was like taking a grade of Viagra that kicked into your system in less than 10 seconds, as opposed to the herbal supplement I recommend that take 20 - 45 minutes. Once I started sliding into him, he gave out a pleasure moan. I'm sure he moaned so loud because my dick was totally hard from the moment I entered him, and stayed that way, unlike the preceding top. And the moan intensified with each initial thrust. And like when a cowboy kicks the side of his horse to make it go faster, a squeeze of his sphincter and/or ass tunnel around my cock made me thrust even harder. To the point that even over the music, I could still hear the body slaps of my groin to his ass. And I'm sure he moaned so loud because my dick was totally hard and going in deep.

The way his ass looked when he bent over, with the sides curving nicely outward starting from his waist, going out until the lines reaches near the bottom, then they come towards each other, finally meeting by a slight turn inward ----what many call a "pear-shape". But being the deep-thinker that I am, I saw something different, and I saw it for a reason. I saw an object that was a perfect fit into that space, saying something about his mindset. In this guy's case, I saw an upside down heart.
A heart usually symbolizes love. Maybe in the case of this guy, it was symbolizing his heart turned upside down by someone he was once involved with. Or maybe, for no recent circumstances, the upside-down heart I saw was saying nothing romantic at all. I began to feel that maybe regardless of his relationship status, that upside-down heart showed how he was about the opposite of love. And when it comes to sex, the opposite of love is not necessarily hate...In some ways, and to some degree, it's LUST.

And his lust for me practically never got denied. For that previously mentioned time was not our only go-around. We had a few. Each time, it was the same position of him bending over, but felt so good at the moment that it didn't get old. What was getting old was how his white shirt kept coming down over his ass with my every thrust. So I kept pulling the shirt up so it wouldn't block the view of the upside-down heart I imagined could fit on that shapely ass of his.

The last fuck resulted from him walking around seeing me after another fuck-round, coming over to kiss me, and when I felt his ass during that kiss, my Aries aggression kicked in. I grabbed him by the hand, took him into a corner, we passionately kissed, then he bent over so we could fuck again. This was the final time because this fuck plus all previous ones led this one to result in a cum and energy draining orgasm.

Regrettably, we didn't exchange numbers. Because as you can see from my drawing above, I can't get that ass out of my head just yet. And a smile comes across my face each time I think of it. So I see no problem with having another go-around....Or a few.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

From Daddy Issues To Cyber-Lynching

In various Facebook posts, I've talked about how some gay males daddy issues are manifested by sexualizing those daddy issues by persuing guys old enough to be their father. I have also said that I would be honest as to how I have my own daddy issues, male abandonment issues, namely. and that I would come forward and address those issues in greater detail. Telling how they came to manifest themselves in my own relationships.

Be it Danny, Toby, or most recently, Douglas Sanders, if it seemed that my talking about them bordered on obsession, there's a reason for it.
It's because unlike the other unnamed guys that I've been involved with, those aforementioned guys were failures because they did to me what my father did to my Mom.

They all laid the groundwork for something great to happen out of our time together, and when it became time to man-up, and up the ante on the directions our words, actions, and time spent together was heading, ...they bailed.

Danny laid the groundwork when he took my phone number at The (now thankfully closed) Roxy and called me a day or 2 later in the wee hours of the morning after he got off from work. Toby laid the groundwork when he propositioned me, didn't follow through, so he got rejected by me, but when given another chance, stepped his game up and didn't start following through by proving to be a self-destructive trouble-making drunk. And Douglas laid the groundwork when he invited me to attend his church, cooked for me the day before, let me spend the night in his bed that night and the night after going to his church, then after 4 months of wasting my time on my dime backpedaled because of his religious hypocrisy. Such actions should make it more understandable as to how I see my father's cowardice, therefore giving birth to the hatred I feel for these guys after giving so much of my emotional, mental, and creative self to them.

My cyber-lynching of these guys is how my daddy issues have manifested themselves. Now, these are not the only guys I've been involved with. I have blog posts and poems proving there are other guys. However, what made me part ways with those unnamed guys just warranted a poem or two (like "You Can Say Never"), or to be lumped into being the motivations for my vlog, "10 Reasons Why I Am Single".

I don't know how much (or if at all) Danny or Toby have improved from being the emotional cripples they were when I was involved with them. I do know that Douglas has not changed. And it should have made my latest tale of him disturbing to us all. For this crystal meth-smoking, popper-fried brained, sexually racist emotionally cripple coward of life is now allowed to officiate weddings and even worst...give people counseling???!!! All because the predominately black church in St, Andrews' Church's basement, Rivers NY is a fucked up enough dysfunction-enabling group to ordain him a minister, Like I said of them before, they're quick to take money, but if they were really on the up-and-up, Douglas would not have been ordained without getting extensive counseling himself to which my latest tale of him would not have been allowed. For that reason, it's a scary thought how many lives might be put in such self-loathing hands. And putting people on notice of that is what I am doing with those memory flashes of anger.

Now, some of the more stereotypical snarky gays reading this are probably saying, "That's why you can't keep no man. 'Cuz when things go wrong, you're go talk about 'em. So nobody wants to be bothered with you."

Well, what should I do? Stay quiet and enable their ignorance. When putting them on blast might be the wake-up call to make them straighten up and fly right. Plus, I've said it before, that if he is confident enough with the goodness of his heart, he will take that chance.

Now, while it's an odd time to revert back to my porn career, but a good example lies there...

I had a heated email exchange once with Chris Steele of Jet Set Men about his lack of Black male porn actors. Chris Steele, referring to my calling out Tyson Cane on his numerous displays of social ineptitude tried to say that I would have probably talked about him like I did Tyson Cane. And my response to him was that if Tyson Cane didn't disrespect me and my scene partners, there would be nothing bad to say. And I told Chris Steele that I would have nothing bad to say about him if he had done me right. Proof that I'm a man of my word on that is my continued friendship with Ben Marksman,...the director of my last porno, "All Out Assault" - who hired me even after reading numerous disparaging blog posts of mine about various porn actors and directors. If he wasn't confident in his own goodness, that hiring would not have happened, and that friendship would not be still continuing.

My point is that the same goes for any guy involving themselves with me. If he is truly confident and not misled of his worthwhile ethics by someone (like family, friends, job, or church group), then he will stand by all of his actions, instead of running from them. So even if things still go south, we can part ways with me respecting him, as I have actually had some amicable parting of the ways with some guys.

But how can I respectfully part ways with someone who relies on modern technology to drag out their cowardice by texting instead of accepting my invitation to actually talk the way Danny, Toby, and Douglas did? Or how can you respectfully part ways with someone whose cowardice (drawn out for any length of time) reminds me of that of my father?

The answer is you can't respectfully part ways with them. Especially, when their behavior mimics that of a bad parent. Thereby making it all too understandable why one like myself is pushed to such extreme to vent as I have been over these guys. For even if you move on, as I have,...you will never forget.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Honored Invitation, ...Then THEY Killed The Honor

An invitation to be interviewed is an honor. That's how I've always looked at it. For it says someone has acknowledged your contribution to an art form, society, etc. and that someone, the interviewer, thinks enough of you that the world should know, then want more details about your individual process as to what makes you you.

When you are not the sole interviewee, while not as much info about you will be given, it is still just as great an honor to be asked. But what happens when each and every one of the others interviewed have done things to counter the progress you have demanded, and in some instances incited? It lessens the feeling of honor. And that troubles me.

I was recently interviewed for an article on Vocativ.com entitled "Can Porn Stars Have A Race-Based 'Sexual Prerference'?" If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you will notice that I have not promoted this article like I have promoted past articles I've been interviewed for. Now, while I wasn't the only one interviewed, that is nowhere near the reason I am not happy with the article to such a degree that I have not promoted it. I have not promoted it because I am disgusted by who the other interviewees are.


In an email, I told of my being displeased with the article. As well as told each person's history with hopes to enlighten the author, and why that history kills the honor of being interviewed for me. It reads as follows:

Hello Tracy,

I've read the article, and to be honest if I knew that my statement was going to be proceeded and overshadowed by such a massive percentage of hypocrisy, two-facedness, and enabling of ignorance via statements from the likes of Chi Chi LaRue, mr. Pam, Steve Cruz, Conner Habib, Diesel Washington, and Zachary Sire, I probably would have never agreed to do it. And if you don't know their history, or are not seeing the big picture, I will explain why. And be forewarned that at times, I do use strong language to stress my point.

If Chi Chi LaRuemr. Pam, and Steve Cruz find this racism to be a problem,...then they should stop being enabling fucktards and stop hiring other racist fucktards. I guess it's another case of "birds of a feather" and "misery loves company". Otherwise, they would hire more open-minded people to present themselves with a more respect-worthy image. So their existence only justifies the negative stigma associated with the porn industry as a whole.

And Chi Chi LaRue has a lot of damn nerve talking! For that asshole's sole use of Black performers has been in that damn "BlackBalled" series where a group of Blacks aggressively gangbang one White boy. AGAIN fueling the stereortype that all Black males want to gangbang a White boy as vengeance for slavery. A stereotype that makes many White gay males who have never been in contact with Blacks fear them. And since some Whites do have "white guilt" and sexualize it, Black males seeing this feel they this is the role they must play if they want to have sex with Whites. And sometimes other Blacks. Hence why I have had so few Black sex partners in my personal life. For too many approach me with this porn-induced uber-aggression.

And Zachary Sire?! He was editor of The Sword enabling this racism to get to this point insulting me and others for taking a stand against it. So is this a change of heart, or a move to rattle people's cage, with no genuine concern for the issue of racism in the industry? After my years of dealing with him, I suspect the latter.

Diesel Washington?! The sellout who at one-time was on the same page as me in addressing this issue, but later back-pedaled because it stopped him from getting work. So he tried to make me do the same. Meanwhile, the image he presents is no different than the one Chi Chi LaRue presents of Blacks. Playing that overcompensating sexual aggressive image I have come to call the "gorilla nigger". An image every studio that hires him has him play, because he does so in real life.

Conner Habib, If the racism is really such a problem, then why is he still in the game. You can't respect someone who claims there's a problem with racism in porn, yet continue doing scenes where every dick they bend over to take, or ass they get an erection to fuck is that of a White male. How can I respect that? Plain and simply, I CAN'T.

And a final note...I do not define as "African-American". Nor do my Black friends, or many of the other Black people I speak to on the matter of how they define their ethnicity. "African-American" is a term used primarily in media that seems out of touch with the fact that your typical Black American does not define by that term. I define as "Black". Thank you.

I do appreciate being interviewed, but you highlighted the worst people possible. You highlighted creature whose existence give no solution to the problem. In fact, they only exasperate it.

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