It was like I was forseeing the future. Before I went out to The Cock Sunday night, I wrote this Facebook update:
It might not have been me forseeing the future, as much as me knowing the possibility of who I was going to run into.
There is one guy who seems fixated on me. It's like he sees me in his sights, and he can't help himself. I am not to trying to toot my own horn of my physical beauty by saying this. I am secure in my looks, but this guy's behavior is unsettling because it's obsessive. He acts like I'm the only man in the world, and I feel that even if you date someone, this would prove problematic. Because I'm thinking of the big picture. And in the big picture, the real world, we have flaws. Flaws that might make us do things that will make our mate have to move on. But someone believing you are the "one and only beautiful creature on the planet" won't move on like they should after your ultimate transgressions.
The problem starts because I can see the substance abuse in his eyes and his mannerisms. So based on what I've endured from Sam in Emails Of An Intervention and Toby from "Paying (Ends ---My 'Friend')", A substance abuser is of no interest to me, being it drugs or alcohol. And this guy's abuse substance of choice seemed to be alcohol. Which is sad because without those red flags his behavior sounded off, I would have been interested in him. But the substance abuse has taken such a toll that while he might not be much older than me, he definitely looks it.
I believe that I may have written about him before in past Facebook updates because of his behavior.
This all started a few weeks ago in the backroom area. This one guy kept touching me. And each time, I politely moved his hand because I had no interest in him. The 1st time I saw him, he had a drink in his hand, which for me is a "no-no". I have no love or lust to give a guy who is such an alcoholic that he needs to bring a drink into the backroom. My feeling is if you're going to be sexually adventurous, be a man about it by being sober. So that means, don't come near me with a cup or bottle of "liquid courage" in tow. No matter how hot you think you are, that "liquid courage" makes you that many times uglier. Since he doesn't know I have this rule, that's why I politely moved his hand from me. The problem started when he kept doing it each time he looked at me, and walked pass me. After about the 4th time, I had had enough. So I grabbed his hand, and threw it down. Then he grabs my finger like I'm the one who's wrong, gets near my ear and says, "You're at The Cock. Don't be an asshole."
Fact is I wasn't being an asshole. It's my body. So whether I'm in the general public, or even in a bar, club, or porn shop backroom, I have EVERY right to remove your hand from touching me, especially if you are a stranger. Why? Because it's my body, my call.
Needless to say, I became enraged. For I felt like I was on the verge of being raped in some small way. I say "no", and some rapist treats you as if you're wrong. As a way to guilt you into standing down, and letting him do what he wants to do to your body when you don't want him near you. I became so enraged that I started shouting at him how I moved his hand off of me 4 times already. As the volume escalated, then he started yelling back in an innocent tone, "And I stopped!"
I screamed back, "If you stopped, then why am I repeating myself?! Why is this the 4th fuckin' time I'm telling you 'No'?!"
Over the weeks since that incident, he has seen me there. With each time feeling the need to walk pass me, and graze me. He knows exactly what he's doing, and that I hate it. I tried for these following weeks now to tell myself that 1) he was like a child, and trying to get a reaction out of me, and/or 2) he's a miserable creature, and he wants me to react and put him out of his misery. Either way, I decided that I shouldn't give him the satisfaction, so I ignored him. However, it seems that has made things not better, but worst...for us both. For one, this problem of obsession that started in the backroom, had by this point escalated to him grazing me out on the main floor of the bar.
This latest incident was this past Sunday, he did it again. The bar was packed for Labor Day weekend, so all the bodies made the bar hot. And with it being The Cock, I could easily walk around with my shirt off. STILL, that gives no one the right to touch me if I don't want to be touched. I wasn't even in the backroom this time. I was by the bar. He came up to me again. He grazed me again just as he had already done earlier. And again, he knew what he was doing. And I could see it with my peripheral vision seeing his obsessive eyes burning holes in the side of my head. By this point, plus the flashbacks to all the weeks earlier, I had enough, and looked him in the face, and told him, "Stop touching me! You know I don't like you! Stop!"
Thus began the same routine again. This time, he didn't have a chance to whisper in my ear, so he went straight for the loud, innocent act asking, "When did I touch you?!" At first, I wondered was this guy schizophrenic. Then I took noticed of something.
I noticed that just like in the 1st incident, when he spoke close to me, he knew and mentioned that he put his hands on me first. However, when the volume got raised to where the predominately White crowd at The Cock could hear his White self, he would give this loud tone of professed innocence asking, "When did I touch you?".
So he clearly was trying to bluff his way through playing the "I'm-an-innocent-White-man-about-to-be-attacked-by-this-angry-Black-man" card. And it is sad that the racism in New York City is that bad that he could 1) devise this plan, and 2) for too many in that crowd, get away with it.
However, this time, along with that professed innocence, he told on himself. He went into hysterics screaming, "I find you attractive! Alright! Is that so wrong?! I find you to be a very good-looking guy!"
And I returned, "Yes, but I am not interested. So LEAVE ME ALONE! You keep putting your hands on me, and I don't fuckin' want you to! BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!"
Two patrons broke us up before it went any further, avoiding security from being called. Both patrons tried to talk me down. They both said, "He obviously likes you. You're a good-looking guy."
I told them, "Thanks. But I don't like him back! He needs to man-up and deal with it. I do." And I said that thinking of the guys who turn me, sometimes out of racism, hence why every other Black guy gets the same dismissal. Yet I don't force my presence on them just because I find them attractive. I have to respect their choice no matter how misguided and narrow-minded it may be.
And wouldn't you know that one of the patrons trying to talk me down turned out to be "Gringo" from "Gringo's Morning Chocolate". So it was good to see him again. I just wish it was under more placid circumstances. He said that when he saw me, thought he knew me. But rage on my face and in my voice made me so unlike the pleasant guy he met that morning, that he didn't recognize me until I was calming down.
The volcanic eruption of this situation happened later in the night. I was walking around, and the guy started to follow me around. EVERYWHERE. No matter where I tried to go, he was behind me. By this point of the night however, the reason I wasn't interested in him in the first place was all too evident - he was so drunk that he was stumbling a bit. So by this time, his "Don't be an asshole" speech was no longer whispered in my ear. It was now for all to hear.
I again screamed, "Stay the hell away from me! Stop touching me! I don't fuckin' like you!" I paused, and looked him in the eye, and said, "STAY BACK!"
My friend Matthew at this point had shown up, and saw this. Matthew was slowly reaching to pull the guy back, but not quick enough. Most likely because like everyone else, Matthew was simultaneously watching this freak show unfold. But by this point, I was seething as all these past weeks and events of that night (including the near assault) were running through my mind. So when the guy walked towards me, I swung at him, but missed. When he saw that my anger got to that point, he came towards me again, and this time when I swung ---I didn't miss. And I wound up knocking him about a yard into a crowd of guys fooling around behind him. My friend, Matthew then picked the guy up, and handed him over to the security guy who was coming over. As he was taking the guy outside, I reminded the security guy that I've complained about him before, and he let me go back inside.
You would think that after this point that my rage had a time to subside... No such luck. Because Matthew is bordering on becoming "former friend". For he said to me, "You know, I had him. You didn't have to swing at him."
I was like, "Excuse me?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! This guy invades my space, and you're going to act like I'm wrong?!"
He replied, "I'm your friend. And if I think you're wrong, I'm going to tell you."
Was Matthew fuckin' for real?! Was he really that inept in character? Was he a mistake that I allowed into my circle of friends to not be decent enough to understand how:
That PUNCH to this guy's face was for this guy invading my space.
That PUNCH was for him grabbing my fingers when I moved his hand off of me as if I'm the one wrong the 1st time.
That PUNCH was for every week after knowing that since I had no interest in him, I didn't want him touching me, but he touched me anyway.
That PUNCH was for then upping the ante by trying to choke me because he again wasn't man enough to take "No" for an answer.
That PUNCH was for playing on the racism that plagues NYC's gay community at my expense.
Now, anyone, friend or foe, who thinks I was wrong to take a swing at him, then you have holes in your heart where self-respect, respect for others, and compassion should be. And those holes show a void in your code of ethics and humanity that make you just as disposable an entity as that guy.
For how dare Matthew lecture me when he is aware of the incident that started all of this? How dare he lecture me when my personal space is intruded upon? How dare he lecture me when he wasn't even there to see that it had escalated to the point of this guy trying to choke me because I rejected his advances again?
What kind of humanity questions my reaction with those things in play?
By the following day, what I had come to realize is that Matthew's upset over me taking a swing at this guy was not at all about me actually being wrong. It was all about his bruised ego because I took action and justifiably defended myself before he was able to play "hero". I say this because in the text message exchange that followed, I explained my position on the matter very clear listing all the reasons I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Matthew however...NEVER EXPLAINED WHAT MADE ME "WRONG". His text messages were all about his opinion and how he has a right to them.
Yes, Matthew has a right to his opinion. However, the fact is 1) I didn't have to explain myself, because 2) this incident was not about him. This was about my personal space being violated to the point that violence had started to be imposed upon me. And based on all the reasons at play that led up to that moment that I punched that guy, anyone who can't understand that has a code of ethics as dismal as that drunken, socially-inept, substance-abuse-weathered sack of shit. And must be mentally and emotionally removed from my presence until they wake up and see otherwise. For I don't accept such lacks of understanding in my circle. Friends don't always have to agree, but there are displays of character and humanity (or lack thereof) that make it necessary to part ways.
Now, if Matthew doesn't come to realize his wrong position on this, and apologize for lecturing me like I'm his child, then he will show himself to be a mistake in my circle, and become beyond the border of being removed from my circle as he presently is.
As for this drunken asshole, my response to him was by no means my proudest moment. However, I am proud that this experience has solidified some observations I've recently made that may possibly lead to some rule changes for myself. I'll address them in an upcoming video log. But for now, I ask that you don't go to the comments section speculating what they might be.
This post has a LOT of lessons in it. I hope you understood, and if need be, learned them all.