Saturday, May 29, 2010

Dumb Sell-Out Mo-Fo

My final tweet from this past Wednesday night was as follows:
TreXavier is going to check out Ass Wednesday @The Urge. Let me sit back and see if it's another racist crowd tonight.

Originally, it was an idea to possibly have me proven wrong, and see a Black guy enter the contest and win, even if that Black guy was me. Maybe my pscyhic ability made me write that, because the Black guys who entered (including myself) did not win.

Here's a quick rundown of the contest and the crowd:

There are 2 rounds, then an "Ass-off".
During the 1st round, the bar was filled with more men of color and older men. For whatever reason, White men seem to wise up to showing their love for the beauty of color in their older years. This made me think that while the guys from Round 1 inlcuded 2 White guys, the other guy who was Black with a nice round ass that Black men are known for stood a chance. Of the 2 White guys we had one older with a big, but flat ass, and the other was an Italian with a nice, plump ass. As it turned out....even against the Italian with the juicy ass, the Black guy won the 1st round.

After seeing this, I figured with my ass, it would be me against the Black guy from Round 1 in the "Ass-Off". But during the break between the rounds, the crowd changed from the men of color and older men to being filled more and more with a bunch of uppity Chelsea queenie-types. This shows why I hate bar contests with wins based on the audience, because the slightest change in patronage can ruin your initial expectation. Anyway with my competition in Round 2 being a flat-assed skinny White guy, you would think I had a shot. Right? WRONG! I lost to him, then because of that overload of uppity Chelsea queens the Black guy from Round 1 lost to that flat-ass-having skinny White boy in the "Ass-Off".

After the contest, anyone not living in denial of the racism plaguing the gay community could see that race was these people's deciding factor, and I thought with the Black patrons sitting near the stage talking about it that I actually had some people who I could listen and/or give testimonial to. It turns out these Black guys were actually debating amongst each other, because one of them was in denial of the racism. The author of TheBlackoutBlog asked in a tweet if this Black guy was light-complexioned. Good point, because then his naiveté may have been understandable to some degree. However the truth is, his complexion was the darkest of us all. And that's not meant to be insulting. It is the fact that added fuel to my anger over his voicing such impudence.

Therefore, this is meant to be insulting by way of being true....
This idiot went on to say, "It's a known fact that White men don't like a fat asses."

Oh, really?! Is this guy that fuckin' stupid?!
How many times has Michael Lucas made his White models arch their back for a pic so that their asses looks as plump and juicy as the Black guys he had refused to cast before this Recession. How many times has one of his many nemesis' Brent Corrigan done the same trick for a photo? How many times over the years have we not seen that trick in photospreads of White models for Honcho, Men, Mandate, Playgirl, Unzipped, etc.? How many times have non-Black porn actors/actresses become suspect to having implants to make an ass that may even outdo the plumpness Blacks are known for in order to please studios that want that kind of ass, but not on a Black actor?
The answer to all of those questions....
MORE TIMES THAN ANY OF US CAN COUNT!

You see I can easily pull out pics of these guys to show they may have nice asses, but not nearly as great as they seem in these pics because of an arched back and other means. Yet, notice their is no arch in my back in the photo of me above. Therefore, that picture is the all natural curvature of my ass from a profile view.

Anyway, this Black male, (by no means a man if he is this delusional), really needs to pull his head out of his ass, and see the real world that he claims he's a part of. Yes, early on in the argument, I asked him, "What world are you living in?"

He replied with his effeminate accent, "The reeeal wooorld."

Well, let me tell you Sir Deny-A-Lot....I-BEG-TO-DIFFER!

Once he made his claim of how he works in the corporate world, I knew right there that he was clueless. Because people who pride themselves on what they see of people in the corporate world live by the stereotypical rules of White culture, which is to be book-smart, believing that book-smarts is all you need to make you smart about life, when time and time again, that theory can be proven wrong. That doesn't justify the stereotypical rule of Black culture, which is to be street smart. The fact is you need a combination of the two, and this guy did not have it if he was to make such statements. The problem that enables this Black male's denial is the fact that the White people in the corporate world accept him because of his book-smarts, and are more than happy at his lack of smarts about life that make him blind to their racist views.

He tried saying it's a preference like my being versatile makes me not take up with a boyfriend who is a total top or total bottom. He said it's about what you want it bed. I told him that he can't compare the different mindsets that drives the 2 different scenarios. I also told him that once you set in your mind as to what features make a body part beautiful, if you choose a person your own color who lacks those features, over someone who does have those features but with a dfferent shade of skin, then you are a racist. The fact is that like both me and his friend told him that if you put me or the other Black contestant's ass with that fullness and roundness that a Black ass is known for on a White boy or person of lighter color than ours, those snobbish White faggots that later came into the bar would've been all over it. But since ours weren't covered by White skin, they did an action that said, "since it's not light, then it's not right". So even though it was only an ass contest, it's a sign of a bigger problem this Black male refused to admit to.

I've said in the past that this is a change in the gay community here in New York City, because I used to win that contest (or at least make it to the "Ass-Off") often. It's been the last couple of years that I've seen this racism that this Black person is in such denial of. So my annoyance this time is not losing the contest because of the racism. I expected that, and am over it. It was the unexpected denial of this Black person of the racism that surrounds him.

He was one of those types that like to talk over you, when you are having your say. I told him about my racist past, what motivated it, and the look at myself that made those feelings come undone. In the midst of this, he interrupted throwing in the age-old excuse that I didn't love myself was why I didn't like Black guys at one time. With my self-assured attitude, I'm sure you know nothing could be further from the truth. I corrected him by telling him that while I've always loved myself, I grew up around the stereotypical "thug" image, and found it in no way sexy, but I looked at myself and took note that I'm not a thug and I'm a Black man that is sexy as all hell and knows his self-worth, so there must be more like me.

Most people who interrupt the way he did, don't do it because they're right. It's because they need to convince not only you, but themselves as well of whatever bullshit their trying to sell. So they try to drown out your display of a superior intellect in the situation. Since I'm not dumb enough to be his spouse, unfortunate enough to be his child, or fucked up enough as his parents might have been to allow him to think being this rude was acceptable, I made it clear that for me his interruptions were unacceptable. It got to a point that I told him, "LISTEN! Let me talk and tell you why I feel the way I do, THEN....you respond!"

Since (1)I don't like have to talk this way to supposed adults, and (2) I was actually trying to get close to the Italian from Round 1, since we were checking each other out before the contest even started, I told this guy that I was no longer having this discussion. I turned away from him and went to the Italian, who I later spent 8 hours in a 3-some with him and a Romanian. A 3-some with 3 uncut cocks of guys living in NYC. What are the odds? I would tell that tale, but because of the overall events of the night, I had to prioritize, and tell of this dumb Black sell-out mother fucker whose ignorance almost ruined my night instead.

The problem with sell-outs is that their living in denial doesn't hurt their entire ethnic community as much as it hurts themselves by their lack of knowledge. And this guy is in for a rude awakening one day. My initial thought of his denial was that it was his away of avoiding showing any sign of suffering from what racially insensitive White people want to call "Angry Black Man Syndrome". And in the corporate world that he alleges he's part of, I'm sure there's a great many of that brand of White people there that he must put up that appearance for. I'm not saying he has to be angry, because in spite of what I write here, I am not an angry Black man. Only racially insensitive White and non-Whites in denial of racism will see me as much. However, I am damn sure a socially aware one, and THAT is what I pride myself on, and what he needs to do as well.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Asian Sensations Helped Make ME

After reading and posting a comment to a recent interview with Guy Tang on MOC Blog, I took a look at myself and realized that while I am passionate about erasing the idea of certain ethnicities having specific sexual roles, I'm just a tad more passionate about erasing the misconceptions about Asians. The question is "why?"

I always say that a lot of our problems can be alleviated by taking a good look at ourselves, and the paths our lives have taken, and realize how those paths effected our thinking. While it's not me saving the world, I did that very thing in figuring out why I seemed a tad more passionate about making people aware of how sexy Asian men are. Part of it is because in American gay culture, Asians are looked upon as being even less sexy than Black men, which makes them the underdog, and I'm always for the underdog. But another reason I'm more passionate is because in that revelation, I realized that a great deal of my sexual identity and the "Tré Xavier" pesona is due to my encounters with Asian men.

My most faithful readers know that I lost my virginity in a 5-man orgy that consisted of 3 White guys, an Asian, and myself. BUT of those other 4 guys in that orgy, while I was supposed to have sex with one of the White guys, it was his Asian boyfriend with whom I lost my virginity to. And you know what they say,...."You never forget your first."

And I most definitely haven't which is why I had to blog about an unexpected reunion with him. Also, when I ran into him again recently at a Bana Pool Party, when he said he wanted me to go home with him, I was damn tempted to blow off my responsibilities as a volunteer, and spend the rest of the night flip-fucking him until the sun came up and a few hours beyond.

Another highlight in my sexual identity where Asian men contributed was because of my blog post, "Asian Studs - Still Ignored Damnit!". All of the big name gay porn blogs covered it including Fleshbot, Gay Porn Times, and The Sword. That's how my name got out of the ethnic genre for studios, and was the beginning of making me the controversial blogger I am in their eyes today....and I wouldn't change a thing about. After all, someone needed to tell the truth, when no one else would, so here I am.

At the time I wrote that post, the bombardment that we were (and still are getting) from gay media of how "white is right" was really getting on my nerves more so than usual. So I started having flashbacks to the non-Whites I had been with. Since Latinos are way more tolerated and used as a means for a studio to not seem racist, I did focus much on the Latinos in my past. Like I said, I go for the underdog, which meant the sexiness of the guy I lost my viriginity to, the Asians who were phenominal sex partners at sex parties that I mentioned on my old blog, the one Asian go-go boy that I wrote about one year before "Asian Studs - Still Igonred, Damnit!", and one guy I dated briefly before ever getting into porn. All of them Asians who have a brand of sex appeal that the American gay media seems hellbent on ignoring the prowess of.

The sexiness of the guy I briefly dated was shown in my both times I had sex with him. The 1st time, a few years ago, after we briefly dated, we became friends. He did however offer for us to be "friends-with-benefits", but I lied to him and myself saying that it would ruin things. Because the truth is....I wanted to get naked with him. Some time later, by chance,we saw each other at the club Avalon, which has recently become a mall. We were walking around just after they opened the dancefloor on one of the upper floors. He looked over at a stairway, and said, "It looks like an alley, maybe they meant for it to look that way."

The next thing I knew, he was rubbing my chest. I started rubbing his, then he went off into this bathroom without saying a word, or even giving a signal. I deliberated with myself about how to react for about 30 seconds to a minute. I then decided that if he wanted a suck or fuck, I was going to finallly give in. So I went in behind him. Once in the bathroom, he asked me, "Do you have a condom?"

I reached in my pocket and gave it to him. Never getting to taste his dick, he put on the condom, and let my ass have it. Surprisingly, hard as he fucked me letting out all that pent-up tension I caused by denying him my ass sooner, he didn't come. He in fact told me to stop grinding my ass on his dick like I do when I bottom, because it was going to make him come then he would have to go home. So I let him get his bang out until he was pleased as he could get without shooting a load. Afterwards, I gave in to the ass-man in me, and with his telling me "Thank you", I got behind him squatted down, and kissed both ass cheeks. Smooth cheeks I've been wanting to see for so long, were finally bare, and I was not about to let the chance get away of seeing them up close.

The 2nd encounter was months after. He called me up after not speaking for awhile, and revealed that he was moving back to Hong Kong at the end of the year. When he realized I had never been to his apartment, he invited me over for dinner and a movie. I wasn't sure if sex was to be included, but I prepped myself anyway. We did dinner. He cooked. And during dinner, once he mentioned that he had been going to the beach and he has a tan, and I'll see it later, that was the sign that me prepping myself was a smart move.

He had me model some underwear that he was also wearing, we took them off, and he fucked me on the bed. There was a big mirror angled where you could see the bed. And he told me to keep looking at it. He didn't have to tell me anything, because besides the sensation of his Scorpion cock sliding in and out my hole (remember my thing for water signs), I was getting turned on by watching his beautiful ass go up and down, with the ass muscles flexing as he thrust into me. After he came, he pulled out the condom filled with his man-milk (which is another kink of mine that I may get into in the future). The sight of it made me want to fuck some more. But instead of requesting him to regain his strength from the workout he had just put on my ass, he threw the condom away and came back to bed so we could watch a movie.

In regards to body hair, I can go for a variety of men. However, there is something about the smoothness of Asian men's skin that while too many show ignorance by claiming that their natural state of having little body hair emasculates them, it makes my cock rock-hard thinking back to all those previously mentioned escapades with Asian men. Loving the wet slick ride my hands had rubbing against their skin when they worked up a sweat from fucking,  the few times I've seen them go-go dancing, or from a nice shower with them. I'm not saying that Asian men are my favorite, for every ethnicity has some physcial trait that I have great admiration for. It's just that in Asian men, touching that smooth skin is theirs.

Now the main idea of this whole post is to point out just how sexy Asian men really are, and how it's overlooked. Well, let me point out that idea of angling a mirror just right to see the action on the bed was an idea that I took with me when I moved into my last place in Jersey City. In fact, that mirror was in place with the French hottie, and the Swedes that I brought there. An Asian sensation contributing to my sexual growth and prowess yet again.

America needs to wake up and not sleep on what Asians can do sexually. After all, if you take into consideration how many acts in Asian culture come from the belief in stimulating the mind. And many a psychologist with tell you that the brain is the most erogenous part of the body. So it takes a foolish culture to ignore another culture of men when such a thought process is embedded in them early on in their sexual development and awareness.

I believe this post shows that I am one of the exceptions to how foolish Americans are in regards to recognizing the sex appeal Asian men can produce.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Video Review: Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2

For the 1st time ever, I went to the club, Escuelita here in NYC. Part of the reason I went was to meet up with a vacationing Parisian couple I met the night before in the East Village. And before you ask, no sex happened that night or this one. Anyway, it turned out being a night that the guys from FlavaWorks were appearing there. So when I saw Phil from FlavaWorks, part of my greeting was getting a copy of their new release, "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2: Taste The Crunch".

While I'll get into great detail about the bad, the good of this movie is DAMN GOOD. To be honest, the sex was so good that with the exception of one scene, I couldn't get through an entire scene of "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2" without busting a nut of my own. All the players were so HOT that the reason I shot my load before the end of the scene was because I couldn't decide who I wanted to be, the top or the bottom. For example, while watching Scene 1, one minute I wanted to be Mr. Saukei fucking the holy hell out of Cody Kyler's hole that I make his ass jiggle, but within that same minute, I wanted to be in Cody Kyler's place having my ass jiggling like jelly because of Mr. Saukei's acrobatic hard pounding. Then the next minute, I was wishing I was Tyson hitting Mr. Saukei's juicy ass from the back. So it was a good thing that while I was reviewing, I'm in good enough shape to easily go another round of beating my meat.

The beauty of reviewing porn is if you like something, you don't need to go that into that much detail as to why you like it. However, if there's something you don't like, you need to be thorough, because maybe you could say something to make what you found wrong not happen again. Especially, if you get enough people to back up your findings.

Such as for starters, some of the cumshots made me glad that I shot my load before the end of the scene. For some of the performers aren't cum-pigs. They were times when I saw performers dreading that load in their face, and it bugged me. Maybe because when I'm in that position, I look at a dick like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun that you actually want to see go off in your face. But since some of the performers are not such cum-pigs, they shouldn't be put in that position. Therefore, if an actor is not such a cum-pig, then he should be take a cumshot to the body, or on the ass, but not the face. You see, as a past performer, I'm all about the performers showing a love for every second of what they do.

This brings me to the one scene that I spoke of in the earlier paragraph that did nothing for me. That scene being Scene 4 between Justin Tyler and Markell. Both guys started out as good-looking, but as the dialogue began with them playing the all too common roles of the nasty-talking Black brute fucking the White bottom with low enough self-esteem to allow himself to be verbally belittled, those good looks faded fast for me. And I believe that because one or both performers weren't comfortable playing those roles, the scene lacked chemistry. Lacking chemistry where Justin Tyler seemed to just go through the motions and actually uninterested, therefore glad when it was over. And that made me feel the exact same way about that scene....glad it was over. Maybe some can look at that scene as "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2" having something for everyone. But the "Black brute/White submissive bottom" scenario is so overdone that it ca. Besides, it has never been repeatedly sexy except to the emotionally depraved anyway.

I did not see the 1st  "Mixxxed Nuts", but the trailer for me gave one promise that made it more appealling to me than an overwhelming number of interracial videos out here today by its promise of "Black on White and White on Black". For this, I think "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol 1" would have earned a higher rating than what I will end up giving Vol. 2.

In watching the trailer for Vol.2, I got concerned. WHERE'S THE WHITE ON BLACK?! I was disappointed to see no White guys topping Black guys. Even the Parisians I was with were bothered by this.
I was hoping that once I saw the movie in its entirety that I would see a White guy topping a Black guy. You saw brief moments of Black on Black and White on White, but no such luck with seeing a White top/Black bottom. And for that, "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2" score get a bit lower for me, because this is how it didn't have something for everyone wanting to see interracial porn. Those of us who have bettered themselves from the believed sexual roles of Black and Whites in gay sex were left out here.

I wonder, was the decision to not have any Whites topping Blacks in Vol. 2 based on a supposed outcry from viewers of Vol. 1? If so, in addition to the advice that I gave an anonymous porn producer who commented on a past post of mine about how porn directors need to get to a sex party to see what draws a crowd, and how White guys topping Black guys is one of them, I have this advice for FlavaWorks:

If you're listening to these people who complain about seeing Whites guys top Blacks guys, then you are listening to the babbling of fuckin' idiots who are a lot less powerful than they make you believe as to how much they contribute to the profit you'll make. That's why they do such loud whining...to over-compensate. You guys are artists, so go with your gut.
And FlavaWorks' intial gut reaction was to live up to the title "Mixxxed Nuts" with sweet White holes making nut from Black poles, and sweet Black holes making nut from White poles, because....THAT'S WHEN IT'S MIXXXED NUTS. And I believe that should be the selling point of the entire series. They did it with Vol. 1, but not with Vol. 2. I hope they'll take my advice here and do so should they make a Vol. 3.

And FlavaWorks, if you use that rhyme about the "holes and poles", I want a marketing job.

In my last video review, I hadn't come up with a definite system or unit of measure yet to show my feelings for the quality of a movie. I think I've now decided on both now. The unit of measure will be "cum-loads", and my system will be that I'll take the number of scenes, and rate the movie based on how many of those scenes you are getting you're money worth on.

With that system in place, "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2" has 5 scenes, so the highest number of cum-loads is 5. Scene 4 caused me to bust no nut AT ALL, that's -1 cum-load.
For the looks of dreading the facial cumshot, that's - .25
Now, considering how strongly I feel about the lack of White tops/Black bottom combos, I could easily give "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 2" another -1 cum-load. BUT I will admit that it made up for it with the groupings in the other 4 scenes making for some PRETTY FUCKIN' HOT SEX. So for that, I'll say -.5

So with all that I pointed out as wrong, the good in this movie earned it 3.25 out of 5 cum-loads. That's not bad. I believe I gave some good advice, and I hope it is taken to heart, as it will definitely bring up my rating should there be a "Mixxxed Nuts, Vol. 3".

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Tré Xavier - L’Enfant Terrible

When I'm written about at MOC Blog, I am always referred to as "L’Enfant Terrible, Tré Xavier". Victor Hoff, the blog's author recently asked me if I was at all bothered by being referred to as such, which in case you didn't know, "L'Enfant Terrible" is French for "The Terrible Child". To be honest, it has been an occasional passing thought while reading his post in the past, but since he brought it up, I deicided to give it some thought. Victor and myself have become friends, so I realized that I could look at being called “L’Enfant Terrible” by him either one of 2 ways or both. Those ways being:

1) Considering my reputation for stirring things up by calling people out, and since those guilty parties probably do see me as a bad child as a way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions....in their eyes, I've earned being referred to as “L’Enfant Terrible”; and
2) I can also look at it as being called a "child" at my age of 39 while knowing that a great deal of what I say makes sense is a way of saying that with that much wisdom, I still give off a youthful energy.

With such reasoning, my Aries nature of being an optimist is obviously at play here. And as it turns out, my conclusions coincide with Victor's intended meaning. So I take no offense whatsoever being referred to as “L’Enfant Terrible” by Victor. And I do take it as the compliment he intended. Thanks, Victor.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

In Lust With....Louis Ramos

Before all else, you're lost in those light eyes. Then you see that shoulder that gives you a hint that there's some nice muscular arms to feast your eyes on. And that only heightens your desperation to see him from the neck down. I know the feeling because I felt the same way when I 1st saw a picture of him....Louis Ramos.

I've been wanting to write an "In Lust With...." post about Louis for the longest time. Like most of my subjects for this category, I have a folder on my hard-drive full of pics of him. Pics that I have collected from Aaron Cobbett's websites, which includes his most recent, Rose et Ridé.
A few years ago, Daniel Nardicio wanted to shoot some cute guys who were actual members of DList.com to promote the site back when it was his, and not as uptight as it is now. The photographer turned out being Aaron Cobbett. When you're modeling with a group of guys, you can get the feeling when a photographer sees something in you that they want to showcase. So when the groups started to get broken down, I found myself in one of those groups to showcase. But I wasn't thinking about how cute I must be in Aaron Cobbett's eyes. I was gawking at the guys Aaron put me with and thinking, "HOT DAMN, I'M A LUCKY MAN!!!!"

The only thing preventing me from having a raging hard-on was my nervousness over who I was working with. Now, as to where those pictures are? I would love to know. But the reason I told that story was to show that Aaron Cobbett definitely has an eye for beauty.

And choosing Louis Ramos as a model shows off Aaron's great eye for male beauty, specifically. And in seeing pictures of Louis, my hard-on has shown itself quite often as I'm sure one will be provoked in you as you keep looking....and imagining what you would like to do with some personal time alone with that body.

As you keep looking, I know your mind is going places by seeing those arms, that chest, those thighs, those lines directing you to his crotch, and for all you ass-men (like myself), please do as I must do right now, and wipe your drool before you short out your keyboard's circuits.
 Because it's just a computer image. We can't actually eat him out and glisten those nice plump ass cheeks like we would like to. That sad fact (along with every thing else going on with that hot bod of his) makes me need to ask, "When in the hell are they going to perfect virtual reality?!"

Obviously, Aaron Cobbett and myself are not the only ones who can see how much of a hot number Louis is. While Adam Barta's "V.I.P." is a cool song, I didn't give a damn about the video UNTIL the last 50 seconds when I saw Louis pop up on the screen.
I know that many a gay man and straight woman on that set was hoping to get placed next to Louis in that pile-up at the end of the video. Be it on his left side, right side, front side, or back side. I'm sure they just wanted to be against that body. And you know what....I don't blame 'em.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Tweets: Another Big Tool Of Cowards

Early last year, I wrote a blog entry entitled, "Big Tools Of The Cowards" about how too many people use text and email messages and how that is a sign of the intimacy issues that contributes greatly to my being a single man.

Well, it seems that I must add "tweets" to the list of tools used by emotional cowards. For I recently had an online blowout with Sam because of him sending me tweets instead of actually talking to me.

Last week, I was writing something on my Twitter page. Afterwards, I scrolled down to see what others had going on. I then saw one from Sam. It said that we needed to talk, and being that his tweets are private, I knew this was a posting on Twitter was meant just for me.

I myself have told guys that we need to talk, but my initial way of bringing that to their attention is by a phone call where my intention is to have the conversation right then and there. This was often the case with Danny as specified in "Big Tools Of The Cowards". I would call him ready to talk, and since I would get his voicemail instead, I had no choice but to leave a message letting him know that we needed to talk because something was weighing heavy on my mind. Using his voice was obviously not the initial method used by Sam since he opted to tweet me. Now, what if I never went to my Twitter page, OR what if I never scrolled down the page, then what? Being that he does have my phone number, I felt if he had something to say to me, then he should be a man about it and said it, but he never even tried that. Because of all the attitude he gave me before while I was trying to help him, I was pretty much done with him, but I was going to attempt to hear him out. Since I am not one of his parents (THANK GOD), leading him by example in such a situation is not my job. Therefore, with my feelings towards him being where they were, I had no reason to use my time and/or phone minutes to call him, so I sent him a tweet in return saying:

If you want to talk, don't invite me with text, tweets, or emails. TALK as I have tried with you, but was greeted by your voicemail instead.

Now, I have a life to get to moving forward with. So after all I was done doing with my day, I realized that an entire 24 hours had gone by with no reply from Sam. So with minor word changes I sent the same message again.

In reply, I got this list of tweets from Sam:
I'm at a show leave me alone

Tired of your attacks

If you care leave me I'm grieving my friend right Now my other friend is here

I knew he was grieving a friend, which is why earlier I was humane enough to text him that I was sorry for his lost, but not foolish enough to let him back into my life so soon after causing me such disappointment, so I told him not to reply. BUT the attiude is what sent me into a rage. A rage reminiscent of what I spoke of in "The Hulk In Us All". A rage where all of my humanity and compassion, from my text message and all actions before were no longer existent.

That's why I sent these tweets in reply:
I don't give a fuck about you grieving your friend. I don't give a fuck about you being at a show.

I NEVER attacked you. I told the truth. You and your common addict paranoia can't handle that truth. HENCE WHY YOU ARE AN ADDICT.

And at this rate, those foolish enough to give a damn about your ungrateful ass will be grieving you next. THAT IS AN ATTACK!!!

Besides that last tweet, all that I said about Sam in those posts, every Facebook update, tweets about those posts, and emails to him was NOT an attack as Sam wants to perceive them. For speaking the truth in the fashion that I spoke them were not at all attacks. The so-called "attacks" he was speaking of was actually his own guilt attacking his soul for making me feel every emotion I had every right to convey in my writings. But like I said to him, it's his addict paranoia. He doesn't want to admit to the bridges he has burned in his life, so he makes it everyone else's fault instead.

Do I feel remorse for anything I said, like not giving a fuck about him grieving his friend? No, I do not. Because I am emotional extremist, and when you push me so far to the dark end of the emotional spectrum that I would say something that inhumane and cold, TRUST ME - YOU EARNED IT.

What's so sad is that this all could have been avoided had he just decided to talk to me. Be it face-to-face, man-to-man, and/or voice-to-voice. NOT tweet-to-tweet. What Sam and I may have needed to talk about was a severe enough matter that messages via Twitter would only show the cowardice of the party initiating that contact method. And in this case, that cowardice was shown by Sam.

I will admit that there was some cowardice on my part in sending those tweets in return. I feared my own reaction to the anger I had every right to have. I feared had I tried responding to anything that he said face-to-face instead, it would have not have ended pretty and only one of us would have walked away. Because I don't take well to verbal abuse AT ALL. I survived it as a child by my mother passed down from her father, and dealt with it again in my 1st place of employment after high school  by my supervisor. Situations where you give your all, but are talked down to after not only trying, but actually doing your best. Sam's messages to me were in that same vein. The danger to Sam is that my self-esteem now won't tolerate the existence of people who behave in a verbally abusive manner around me.

I'm sure Sam is not the 1st to use Twitter in such a fashion, and I know he won't be enough of an emotional cripple to be the last. It just angers me to see that I let another such emotional cripple into my life. And by being such, Sam has shown to me that "tweets" are another tool to add to the list as to how emotional cowards communicate.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

HELP ME Help OURsceneTV Cover Racism!

Around this time last month, I put a posting on OURsceneTV's Facebook page frustrated over how so many gay clichés are highlighted by them, instead of deep matters that pull us apart, namely "racism". That posting and their response inspired my post, "The Ugly Truth Of Racism Seen As Part Of OUR Scene?". One response I got to this post made me feel I was on to something when Jessica Ransom, who has worked for OURsceneTV in the past, told me that before my post, she had been shopping the idea for them to cover the issue of racism in the LGBT community. Since that response, me and Jessica have became Facebook friends, and our blogs are in each other's blog list.

Well, I am pleased to tell you that this past Wednesday, Jessica announced on Facebook that she is now producing a piece for OURsceneTV on Racism in the LGBT Community, and she needs our help. So maybe, just maybe, while Jessica originally lit the fuse to have OURsceneTV address this issue, I might have said something to help the fuse along to make this story idea explode into much needed fruition.


With that possibility and friendship in mind, I feel it is my responsibility to let you know that she is by no means lying when she says that she needs our help. Because she is especially in need of gay males for her piece to interview. So far, I am her only Black male subject, and she has no White males, and she wants ALL RACES to interview for this piece. If you are in the NY Metropolitan Area, please read her note that I copied and pasted below, and contact her, or else her piece will only talk about racism in the lesbian community. And with all the posts that I have written on this matter, we know racism in the gay community is NOT only a lesbian problem. RACISM IS A PROBLEM THAT HAS HALTED THE BETTERING OF THE LGBT COMMUNITY AS A WHOLE. AND IT WON'T START TO BE ERADICATED UNTIL WE TALK ABOUT IT.

With that in mind, guys please...let's be MEN and put a rainbow of faces on this issue by telling our experiences, be those experience first-hand or second-hand. PLEASE READ HER NOTE AND REPLY TO HER ASAP. THANK YOU.

Her note reads:

Ourscenetv covers "Racism in the LGBT Community" and needs your help!!!

Hello LGBT Family!
I am producing a story about "Racism in the LGBT Community" for OURsceneTV.com (OSTV). This piece will be an in-depth look into a very "taboo" subject in the LGBT community! Honestly, our community loves to talk about Parties, Pride, and Gay Marriage.....BUT, what about racism?! Is the LGBT community racist? Have you experienced any racism in the gay community?

In this piece, I will not lecture or take a moral stance, I just want to create awareness about this topic and have people tell their stories!

Here are some of the questions I will be asking.............
What does the word "racism" mean to you?
Explain any acts of racism that you have dealt with inside the LGBT community.
Explain any techniques do you think the LGBT community has used to improve race relations in the last few years.
Do you feel racism is even an issue in the gay community?
Do you feel the LGBT community is racist as a whole? Why or Why not?
What do you think of when you see an interracial couple?
What challenges do you think most interracial couples have to face in the LGBT community?
Would you date outside of your race? Why or Why not?

***I also might have a roundtable discussion for this topic as well!! BTW, I also need more GAY men for this story too, please feel free to forward this email to anyone that might want to talk about this topic!**

Anyway, please get back to me if you are interested in discussing your direct experiences with racism OR if you just want to talk about this subject with OURsceneTV.com! ALL ARE WELCOME HERE!! You do NOT have to have direct experiences with racism to be in this video!
 And if you don't know....About OURsceneTV.com....

OURsceneTV.com or OSTV, the first Internet Television Network to offer all-original, LGBT focused lifestyle and entertainment programming. We are a cutting edge video guide, serving as an insider's resources for metropolitan trendsetters who consistenly seek out what's new and what's hot in New York City and Los Angeles. Our Emmy-Award winning staff professionally produces our entire lineup of bite-sized, broadcast quality videos that feature celebrity profiles, entertainment news, nightlife highlights, musical performances, event coverage and more. If you have time, please check us out - http://www.ourscenetv.com/.

And here are just some of the past stories I have produced for OSTV:
Lesbian Relationships:
http://ourscenetv.com/posts/313/lesbians-tell-all-about-relationships

RF Lounge:
http://www.jlr-media.com/videos/RFLoungeDone.mov

Club 57:
http://www.jlr-media.com/Club57FINAL1Compress1.mp4

Holiday Gift Guide:
http://www.jlr-media.com/videos/HolidayGift1.mp4

Please contact me here, jessica.l.ransom@gmail.com, if you want to take part in this story on either.......
 On Facebook,
gaygurl21@yahoo.com
http://www.jlr-media.com/


Thanks for all your help,
Jessica L. Ransom

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Bathed In Lots of "Oui! Oui!"

Working on the blog posts "To Sam: Emails of Intervention" took an emotional toll on me by reliving it so soon after the fact. So last Thursday night, I needed more than ever to get out of the house, and be amongst people.

Thanks to the "wonderful" MTA, I didn't get to the East Village until after 2 A.M. My only desire for the evening was actually to be at a place with hot go-go boys to gawk at, and maybe cop a feel of to beat off to later. Sex with anyone, if you can believe it, was not my goal.

I went to The Urge first, but neither them nor the crowd's vibe was doing anything for me. So I went over to The Cock. I pretty much kept to myself. The small crowd wasn't doing much for me there, but I will admit, the go-go boys did make my imagination go places, so I had a chance to have my mission for the night accomplished. There was one go-go boy I never saw before with a mohawk, tattoos, and a nice juicy butt I would have loved to bury my face in just before getting on my back so he coud use all his muscles to pound me senseless. Between my playing coy with him (since he knew I wanted him) but at the same time not trying to draw unwanted attention from desperados, I never got to tip him or the other go-go boy. It was annoying me at the time, but for some reason I felt better things were about to happen.

I sat on a stool, and kept to myself. I was already getting unwanted glances from patrons so I kept my head down for the most part. I wasn't far from the door, so I knew whenever someone walked in, but I never looked at anyone dead-on. At one point, I saw 2 pairs of feet standing at a slight diagonal to me that I hadn't seen before. So I looked up to see who they were, and there were 2 cute guys.

If you want to label the sexiness of their skin color by flavor, you would say that one was vanilla and the other was caramel. In fact, to withhold their names, that's how I'll refer to them here - Vanilla and Caramel. Right away, they both bared slight resembalnces to people. Caramel reminded me of C, the Latino from the Jersey Boys that I used to fool around with, and Vanilla reminded me of a fit and slimmer version of model, Michael Fitt.

I got the vibe that they were a couple, but I wasn't sure. Vanilla looked over at me, and I tried to glance and not stare back. Instead, I buried my face back into my drink. My drink was my cover to  peek at people - a trick I'm sure many of you have and still use. Then I picked my eyes up for another peek, but this time, it was Caramel looking at me. I thought to myself, whether these 2 are a couple or friends with benefits (like the Swedes), I was about to get into some sexy fun.

What I didn't know was just how sexy the fun was going to get.

The glances went back and forth for awhile with me looking at each of them, and then I would see them talk to each other looking at me together. I knew with my shyness that I wasn't going to make a move. Instead, i let one of them do it. Then at long last, one of them did.

Caramel came over to me and introduced himself. Being totally dense when it comes to accents, all I could tell was that he was not Amercian. It turns out he was French. This immediately made me think of the Frenchman from "French Kiss, Big Bliss", and our recent sexy webcam session via Skype that I've been keeping the tale and pics of to myself.

Anyway, he then introduced Vanilla, who turned out to be as I originally suspected - his boyfriend. I shook both their hands, and the next thing I knew, I was kissing Caramel, then Caramel kissed Vanilla. I got off the bar stool, and then they came at me for a 3-way kiss. Then I kissed Vanilla. We went on like this for a good while kissing and feeling each other up. Which led me to feel what I already could see that they both had some nice asses, as practically every European I've ever had sex with does. And with my darker complexion, I guess you could call me "Fudge". So the 3 of us together made for one of my favorite Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream flavors - Vanilla Caramel Fudge.

As much as I hate to remind people of the racism in NYC's gay community, it's fun for me to bring it up here. For I know I had to have many a racist ready to spontaneously combust with envy (especially when they just walk in) seeing me, one of the few Black men in the bar, in such a predicament. Because I'm sure while all these White guys who actually came there looking were secure with the thought that their white skin gave them the upper-hand on hooking up, there I was without even trying, proved them wrong by having not 1, but 2 hot guys kissing on me at the same time. I thought to myself what my friend Marc always says out of shock ---- HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT!!!!

They invited back to where they were staying, which was walking distance from the bar, and off we went. At one point, we stopped to get condoms. While Vanilla was inside the store, Caramel and I stood outside talking about how shy we both were. Now either Caramel was just talking, or I really put him at ease, because the next thing I knew, Caramel started making out with me. When Vanilla walked out of the store with condom in tow, we all smiled at each other, and proceeded walking. Later on in the walk, Vanilla just looked over at me, and got his "on-the-street" makeout session with me. Afterwards, we proceeded walking.

They were staying there with another couple whose room was just across the hall, so they closed the bedroom door. As soon as they closed the door, we started getting undressed, and it turned out being that there was a mirror on the back of the door. This made for the foreplay to look like a hot porno for sure. I looked in the mirror enjoying the sight of seeing Vanilla on my cock while Caramel had his face buried in between my ass cheeks.

Caramel then led us to the bed. I went straight for sucking his cock, while Vanilla was now the one rimming me. Then he stopped, and I heard all the sounds I like to hear to let me know I'm about to get fucked ----the snap of a lube bottle and the rip of a condom wrapper. So I tooted my ass up and arched my back. Then Vanilla's hand came back to put some lube on my hole, then in he went. My orifices at both ends were now filled with hard cocks of gorgeous men, and for that reason, I was loving it. That, and how me being the bottom and tallest guy in the room was unlike so many porn videos. Yes, my little 5' 6" frame had me to be the tallest, but (for the sake of moronic size queens concern) we were all just as endowed as the other, and all uncut.

They then moved me to get fucked in my favorite position - missionary. Vanilla started fucking me even more intensely as he looked in my eyes, which is why I like missionary. Because whatever position the guy may be, if he wants sex void of ever looking in his partner's eyes, then he has intimacy issues that make him worthless of being even a casual fuck. Even in a 3-way, all players should desire looking in the other's eyes to see their joy of the sex, and that's what I got here.

While Vanilla fucked me missionary, Caramel came up behind him, and fucked Vanilla from behind. It didn't take long for Caramel to come. Vanilla and I stayed in position, and started jerking off. We kept finding ourselves on the edge of cumming, but neither of us exploded. So we went back to fucking. Back to missionary, then with me on my stomach. Vanilla fucked me so long and hard, he was making me show how much of a power-bottom I am, and lose myself to the point that instead of moaning "Yes! Yes", I turned French myself and started moaning "Oui! Oui!". Then when he knew he was nearing that point, he turned me over so he could spray me with his load.

With one hand jerking my cock, and the other feeling all the sweat on his body and ass, and the puffiness of his cum-filled balls, I finally came first. He was so turned on by seeing my load that he came. AND BOY DID HE CUM!

While I heard the moans, the color of his squirts were so light at first that I didn't realize he was cumming. Then I started seeing a couple of streaks shoot pass my face and over my head like shooting stars, then the rest loaded my chest making me forget about my meager cum-load on my abs. So Vanilla had bathed me in his man-milk from his "wee-wee", and actually apologized totally unaware of the cum-pig that I am, so I told him, "Trust me, it's fine".

Being that cum-pig, I wanted to leave their place with Vanilla's cum all over me. Yes, I know that would mean that I would have been walking NYC streets and riding the subway wreaking of his protein-enriched man-milk, but I wouldn't have cared less. Instead, I decided to keep that part of my piggish side a secret, and took their offer of going in their bathroom and taking a shower. Damnit!

I walked to the D train on Broadway-Lafayette thinking about how no drugs contributed to any of us having a good time. That's how Write That Down #17 came about, which I'm sure may have pissed off some past tricks who read that post.

During my walk, I also thought about how it felt as if Vanilla's eager cock was still in my ass. BUT in preparation for putting a smile on the face of the next guy I bottom for by maintaining my reputation of having a tight hole, I made sure to do my Kegels the whole time, and I'm doing them still....even while I've been typing this post.

Now, where's that mohawked go-go boy from The Cock, so he can do me on the bar? Because evidently, thanks to those 2 Frenchmen, the lust-bucket that I am has been resurrected .

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I WALK in 2010

I don't believe that this post needs to be long and drawn out to show the importance of my participating in the AIDS Walk come this Sunday, May 16th. For I'm sure all of you know and love someone living with HIV/AIDS. With that in mind, if you have supported someone else already, I applaud you. 

However, if you haven't shown your support to someone already, I would appreciate you putting in a donation to my page:
For it shows your concern, empathy, and humanity in wanting this epidemic gone.

And because of these tough financial times, my appreciation would be even greater.

I'll be walking with Team Chow Down, so if you see me, say HELLO
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

Monday, May 10, 2010

To Sam: Emails of Intervention, Part 2

After Sam's falling off the wagon in Part 1, I kept texting him messages to show him how much damage he was doing to himself, and how much he was pushing me (or anyone else who cared) away. None of those messages got a reply. On my way out Friday night, I did send him a text saying:
I hope you are doing what you need to get better. I wish you well.

To my surprise, he replied Saturday afternoon:
I am sober, 3 days again

I returned with:
Glad to know you're doing better. Keep it up. Take care.

To my surprise, Sunday afternoon, he called me. We had a nice long talk, and he at one point said that all had happened to him was not all his fault. He said he wasn't feeling that social, but I did let him know that I was planning to go sit in Washington Square Park, and invited him to come along, so I'd check in with him to see if he felt better by the time I got there. Once there, I texted him. He said his doctor/friend was coming by. So I told him to enjoy his day, and that we'll talk later. He replied:
Def. Thanks for sticking by me.

So I left it at that for that day. Come Monday however, like I said, when addicts fall off the wagon, they must earn the trust of people around them. So hoping for the best, I went to a hook-up site hoping to NOT find him online...

...THERE HE WAS. And once again, I checked the other sites, and he was there as well.

I sent him an email via one site with a casual tone asking what was he up to.

I could see that he opened the email, and I immediately got a reply stating that he was with a buddy on the UES.

I asked him if he was sober. I could see that email was opened as well, but I never got a reply to that one. Because of this wait, I decided to put my foot down, sending another email saying:
Answering is very important....TRUST ME!!!!

He replied:
i'm high why

I decided this was it for me. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. So I sent him in reply:
THEN YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. I've tried my best to stand by you, but I can't stand by you when YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD insist on NOT standing on your own.

I'M DONE!!!!

I guess you're choosing the body bag rather than fighting to be a real man.

I was having my own problems during this time, and while I was standing strong through it all, learning Sam had faltered again did the unusual....it broke down my emotional wall to the point that I actually sat in my room and cried. For he, like everyone else in the situations going on with me at the time, had failed to do their part while I did mine. Basically in this case, I obviously wanted Sam sober more than Sam wanted it for himself.

I called Sam choked up asking what was he doing to himself. And sent text messages to try to wake him up to realize the damage he is doing.

Such as:
I hope you're proud of yourself....YOU FUCKIN' COWARD!!!!
and
If you're on a drug binge on the UES, then what about your dogs?
and
Yesterday, you said all you lost was not ALL your fault.
Well, YOU chose to go with this "buddy".
YOU chose to take that hit.
Then whose fault is it?!


Some now believe that there is a gene that makes one susceptible to addiction. I DON'T BUY THIS. This "gene" is nothing more than a scientist making another excuse for people  not taking full responsibility for their actions. If there was such a gene, then why am I not an addict after trying so many different things. I have said it time and time again that I believe the key to addiction is ACCESS. The difference is that a real man or woman is self-assured enough that even when they have access, even if they have to fight themselves to do it, they muster up the strength it takes to still deny themselves of the drug by saying one simple word ---- "NO".

Therefore I don't believe that Sam has such a gene in him. I believe that he like any other addict is just plain and simply not self-assured enough to say "NO". I've had access, so why have I had so many times of saying "no", while there were those other times when I said "yes". It's because I demand myself to be in control of me. I was never doing it to seek approval like some schoolkid falling prey to peer pressure. These people are so desperate for approval, they don't give a damn about where they get it. As long as that the approval comes from the people perceived to be "popular" in their society, and that doesn't necessarily mean those who are for the greater good. And sadly enough, drugs is an easy way to rub elbows with "the popular people".

With that in mind, I'm sure that many "party-boys" recognize that picture of Sam. And I'm sure they are running from these posts, or putting their heads down just like he is doing in that picture...but in shame as they should. For they know they are living this same kind of so-called life that is just a step away from being their story. That is,....if it's not the story they are living already.

After collecting myself, the next day, I sent Sam an email. This was it for me. I told myself that I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to stop trying to be the superhero and save the day with my wisdom for people who don't do the actions to back-up their claims of how they want to save themselves. I was finally allowing the reality to set in....that I have to let Sam be his own hero.

So the last email reads:
Sam,

 Yesterday when I called I broke down because you are not the only one with problems. I am in the midst of some of my own, but news of you high again just broke down my emotional wall. Just the day before, you invite me to having dinner with you sometime this week, and the next day, I find you online on every hook-up site on another binge. How am I supposed to feel? I feel like all the time I spent to help you in some kind of way is now wasted. And with everything else going on with me, I can't put myself through trying to help you when you won't help yourself.

 You keep talking about getting away from the drugs, and that it because of where you live. WRONG!!!! Stop with the bullshit excuses! BLAME YOURSELF! BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT BEING MAN ENOUGH TO SAY "NO" TO EVERY DRUGGIE THAT WALKS YOUR WAY! BLAME YOURSELF FOR USING DRUGS TO RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF BEING MAN ENOUGH TO FACE THEM! Like I said, I am in the middle of my own problem, but I'm not getting cracked up to run from them. BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT THINKING BETTER OF YOURSELF TO WHERE YOU HAVE THE FAITH IN YOURSELF THAT I WAS TRYING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING TO HAVE IN YOU!

 If any of this hurt you, I really don't give a fuck! Because it's the truth that I'm sure no one has told you. And if they have, do you have to wind up in a body bag before you get it?!!!!

 Try Being U2B. FREE

That was the last email I sent him. And I have not heard from him since. So whether he's dead or alive now, I don't care, because the truth is...I CAN'T care. If I try right now to send emails or phone calls and get no reply, I can't concern myself with the horrid possibilities anymore. Horrid possibilities such as it turning out that he has OD'd and been dead so long in his apartment that his 2 dogs now have no choice for food but to eat at his dead carcass. I can't concern myself with that, because he won't concern HIMSELF with that. I can't put my life on hold trying to save his, when he refuses to take part in saving himself.

This is the lecherous life of an addict. Sucking out your strength that makes you able to deal with hardships of life, because they need the company for they are too cowardly to make that strength for themselves. So their goal whether they are aware of it or not is to make you just as in despair as they are.

Well, are you going to let that happen? I personally REFUSE TO!!!!! Moving on....

Sunday, May 9, 2010

To Sam: Emails of Intervention, Part 1

A couple of weeks ago, I was online on a hook-up site, and got an invite from someone who has been trying to get me for years. His name is Sam. He's been trying to get me since the beginning of DList.com. After a few talks back then I learned that he was into PnP, which made me always hesitant to accept his invitation. But for some reason, on this night, I finally gave in.

After I arrived, he opened the door. You could see right away that PnP had taken its toll on him. For the body that opened the door was not the body in his profile picture. Which wasn't much of a shock, because we did meet briefly once before a couple of years ago at a Banya Pool Party, and I made the same assessment then. The difference is that since I was not there to treat his place as a drug stop, I have the humanity that makes me take note of these things, while addicts craving a fix overlook it.

As I anticipated, there were other guys there already. As some left, some new ones came in. We all know that I love sex, and I don't need drugs to make me love it any more than I already do. So you may wonder why would I try crystal meth? It's because I knew that after this I was not putting myself in too many situations where I can get hooked like Sam or anyone else there. In fact, that's probably the reason I finally accepted Sam's invitation. It's because I knew that my curiousity over the high from crystal meth would finally be satisified. So while everyone else used Sam's place as a drug stop, I used it as a laboratory using myself as a human guinea pig. Even experiencing what is called a "booty bump", where the crystal meth is put inside your ass.

So how did the high feel? I can honestly say that like with any other drug I have experimented with, I didn't do anything that I wouldn't do sober. The problem with crystal meth is that while I'm not doing things that are out of character, the effects the drug has on my body is that it makes me unable to do them properly by telling me when to stop. Such as the fact that I love showing off my prowess at sucking cock, and while I was doing it with no regret about who I did it to, the drug caused my mouth to be so dry that I shouldn't have gave anyone a blowjob at all, but I did it anyway often. The crystal meth had me so blind to the state my body was in that I believed that a drink of water beforehand would help, but didn't. This resulted in a rough feeling tongue, and dry busted lips.

Also, with not one bit of joking intended as I say this, but out of respect for the beauty of sex, I take great pride in my ability to have an erection. It makes me able to physically show my partner that I am into them. Of course as a top, but also as a bottom. And I find it quite moronic to knowingly take a drug that takes that ability away from you. After all, don't men feel inadequate enough when they suffer from erectile dysfunction. Therefore, how assinine do you have to be to knowlingly make yourself suffer from erectile dysfunction?

As the group dwindled down to where it was just me and Sam, he started baring his soul to me. About how he was up for 3 days straight, and the more time I spent with him, the more he told me, but it was the incident that I talked about in "He's Not My "Type"" that made him confess how he wanted to stop, and his history of attempts.

There was some connection between me and Sam. I had no idea what it was, but it obviously made him treat me differently than anybody else there. Even to the point that while he's having sex with someone else, he was always reaching to hold my hand. Who does that? He didn't do it to anybody else, so why did he do it to me? I believe that it was the bond he felt from the 1st time he emailed me on DList.com was still there, and because of his addiction, he now craved that bond more than ever.

Whatever this connection was, even Sam's 2 dogs felt it. As any pet-owner will understand when I point out that while everyone else was there, his dogs stayed out of the way. In fact, the largest one stayed on her bed in the corner of the room. Once it was just me and Sam, both dogs came alive, and would jump on the bed licking my face. When someone else showed up, they went back to being out of the way.

Now, I left my house after 11 PM that Monday night and arrived after midnight Tuesday. As part of his apology for the incident from "He Not My "Type"", Sam asked me to stay over, and I accepted. We spent the entire night with him holding my hand, and cuddling. If at any point he woke up during the night, and our hands were apart, he went reaching to hold my hand again. So there was that bond again in action. All of this had me not leaving his place until Wednesday.

I checked on him Thursday and Friday. Thursday, he invited me to go see the Disney movie, "Oceans", and I went along. It was a movie I always thought would be interesting, but I never would have seen it on my own, so I was glad I did. Friday, we sent text messages to each other, by night time, when I asked him how he was doing, he said that he was "sad and lonely, but ok".

I asked him if he wanted company. He said sure. And to make clear, I did not mean "company" in the sexual sense. If it happened, then it happened, which it did not. My intention was to let my presence there be a barrier because it was a Friday night, some addict could easily try dropping by. So I stayed the night, and left that afternoon. I had a bad feeling about leaving , because a friend of his that he said that he hasn't seen for months was coming by. I feared this "friend" was going to make Sam's 3 days of sobriety were coming to an end. So my trip from the Bronx to the Penn Station area was going to show itself to be a waste of my time....and concern.

I got up Sunday and something made me go to a hook-up site. I looked up his name and saw Sam was online. Then I went to another hook-up site, and another to find that Sam was on all of them. The pattern of PnP people was there again. So what I feared came true. Once I left, he went back on a binge, and I have no doubt this "friend" Sam mentioned is who helped him to falter. I tried sending emails and text messages all day with no reply. Then finally as it was nearing midnight, Sam replied by both email and text that he would call me the next day.

Any one who has dealt with an addict knows to be suspicious of their promises to themselves and you. So Monday I went back online to check and see if Sam really meant what he said about calling me. Because if he did, before anything else, he would call me like he said he would, and I would NOT find him online on a hook-up site. Sadly, I must say that I did. I sent him an email saying that I guess I shouldn't expect that phone call.

His reply:
 dude u are a jerk right now leave me alone

After all I had done from being a listening ear to travelling all that way for him to fall off the wagon so soon, and a response like this is the thanks I get?! You know that I was seething with anger. So I emailed this reply to him:
I'm not being a jerk! I'm trying to be the one person who gives a damn. The one person who tries to see you as something more than just a drug-stop.


YOU ARE THE JERK FOR NOT SEEING THAT AND ALLOWING YOURSELF TO GET TO THIS POINT.....AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN!!!!


You want me to leave you alone?! Fine, I'll leave you to die as an ingrate like you deserves to. And maybe your dogs can eat your dead carcass when you OD.

As cruel as that was to say, it was honesty that he needed to hear. That while he may be high when he  initially sees, you hope that at some point once he's sober that he realizes how you are one of few that care.

Well, such a sign did show itself. Which is why there's more to this story....that will be told tomorrow.

Read Part 2: http://www.tresx-rayvision.com/2010/05/to-sam-emails-of-intervention-part-2.html

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