Sunday, October 31, 2010

Duality Battle - Tré vs. L

Recently, I have been finding myself in an inner-battle with my duality. Not the battle between good and evil as shown in my pictures from "Good Tré, Evil Tré". Instead, I am in an inner-battle with myself to either maintain being known as "Tré Xavier", OR choosing to start using my legal first name, which I will refer to throughout this post by its first initial, "L".

Truth be told, I've been wanting to use my legal first name ever since I got into porn. You see, I knew before getting into porn that I personally would never have any shame about being a part of it, nor was I going to cater to others' pretentious attitudes towards it. Plus, had I kept my legal first name, I would not be having this inner-conflict that I am having now.

I'm sure many of you are wondering what brought about this inner-conflict. Well, what has happened is that alot of things have come to light about myself and the gay porn industry after I did "R.I.P. Tré Xavier - Porn Actor: 1 Year Later". One of those being that I seem to have become tired of leading a life of duality. You see, "Tré Xavier" was born for porn. It was a persona meant to be all about my sexual side, and willing to go to the extremes of sex via experimentation since I was doing it in the "safe" confines of a porn set. A perfect example of this was my agreeing to be a part of the cast in my last porn movie, "B.L.A.K: Bruthas Live And Kinky",
where I took the part because I was curious about the leather scene, and after doing that movie, I saw the extremities of domination and submission involved, and how it is not pleasurable for me at all. The confusion started however when my 1st blog, "Tré Xavier's Blog" came just a few months after I got into the porn industry, because it actually took you beyond the over-sexed mindset of "Tré Xavier", by showing you the intellect and social concerns of the real me, "L". And I am continuing that with this blog here.

Since that time, it has been like I've had 2 personalities. Whether I sit my keyboard to start typing, or write thoughts on a pad, if it's for a sexual blog post, then it's "Tré Xavier" doing the writing, but when it's a social matter to address, it's "L" doing the writing. Once I decided to retire from porn, it was as if the 2 personalities became integrated, where a spell of "Tré Xavier" is there. But I'm not feeling any of those scenarios to be the case anymore.

Now, since making "R.I.P. Tré Xavier - Porn Actor: 1 Year Later", I have found myself with a growing hunger for people to know me as "L", and not as "Tré". So I'm feeling now that "Tré Xavier" may exist for fans, but....he no longer exist FOR ME. And that actually was my original plan when I decided to do porn. However, once I was deciding to retire, for some reason I began to re-think that idea. And my re-thought idea became confirmed by someone pointing out that I've made a brand out of the "Tré Xavier" name. But I don't think I'm that well-known, so the question I must now ask myself is:

While I may have made the name "Tré Xavier" a brand, is it at a point of notoriety where a slight name-change would hurt the product, and what I now have to add in offering it?

I ask this because I feel in some way that the "Tré Xavier" persona has gotten out of control. Practically all people in the gay porn industry, nightlife, and most of the sex partners that you have and have not read about know me as "Tré Xavier", with some of those people becoming good friends.  Some may have (or still do) read my blog, or are often spoken to, therefore know the intelligence and concerns of "L", but because they don't know me by name as "L", I'm beginning to feel that they don't really know me as much as I would like them to. For the only ones who know me as "L" are the guys that I've dated, and friends I had before porn.

I asked my Mom about this, and she made a very good point. She reminded me of how before he became known by his present pseudonym, "P. Diddy", that he was previously known as "Puff Daddy". And during the time of both names, he has been waaaaay more well-known than me, and it's done nothing to hurt his notoriety. So it gives me something to think about.

I know that after all of this that you are wondering what "L" stands for. To be honest, it's not your usual "L" name (unique like the man it was bestowed upon, THANKS MOM), and it has sometimes been right in front of your face, even when you have met me in person. So unless you figure it out based on those clues, I will reveal what "L" stands for once I've come to a decision (maybe with your help) as to which name I will use as my 1st name....

....The name you have come to know me by so far, OR will you have to begin to know me by my legal 1st name as I move forward to explore the great things I feel the future holds for me?

1 comment:

  1. I think it's fabulous that you are so close to your mom and aren't living a double life with her!

    david

    ReplyDelete

I HIGHLY respect those willing to stand behind their comments with a name. So if you use "Anonymous" on a viewpoint that challenges mine, IT WILL BE DELETED for your cowardice to not show yourself makes your viewpoint and you irrelevant.

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