Early last year, I wrote a blog entry entitled, "Big Tools Of The Cowards" about how too many people use text and email messages and how that is a sign of the intimacy issues that contributes greatly to my being a single man.
Well, it seems that I must add "tweets" to the list of tools used by emotional cowards. For I recently had an online blowout with Sam because of him sending me tweets instead of actually talking to me.
Last week, I was writing something on my Twitter page. Afterwards, I scrolled down to see what others had going on. I then saw one from Sam. It said that we needed to talk, and being that his tweets are private, I knew this was a posting on Twitter was meant just for me.
I myself have told guys that we need to talk, but my initial way of bringing that to their attention is by a phone call where my intention is to have the conversation right then and there. This was often the case with Danny as specified in "Big Tools Of The Cowards". I would call him ready to talk, and since I would get his voicemail instead, I had no choice but to leave a message letting him know that we needed to talk because something was weighing heavy on my mind. Using his voice was obviously not the initial method used by Sam since he opted to tweet me. Now, what if I never went to my Twitter page, OR what if I never scrolled down the page, then what? Being that he does have my phone number, I felt if he had something to say to me, then he should be a man about it and said it, but he never even tried that. Because of all the attitude he gave me before while I was trying to help him, I was pretty much done with him, but I was going to attempt to hear him out. Since I am not one of his parents (THANK GOD), leading him by example in such a situation is not my job. Therefore, with my feelings towards him being where they were, I had no reason to use my time and/or phone minutes to call him, so I sent him a tweet in return saying:
If you want to talk, don't invite me with text, tweets, or emails. TALK as I have tried with you, but was greeted by your voicemail instead.
Now, I have a life to get to moving forward with. So after all I was done doing with my day, I realized that an entire 24 hours had gone by with no reply from Sam. So with minor word changes I sent the same message again.
In reply, I got this list of tweets from Sam:
I'm at a show leave me alone
Tired of your attacks
If you care leave me I'm grieving my friend right Now my other friend is here
I knew he was grieving a friend, which is why earlier I was humane enough to text him that I was sorry for his lost, but not foolish enough to let him back into my life so soon after causing me such disappointment, so I told him not to reply. BUT the attiude is what sent me into a rage. A rage reminiscent of what I spoke of in "The Hulk In Us All". A rage where all of my humanity and compassion, from my text message and all actions before were no longer existent.
That's why I sent these tweets in reply:
I don't give a fuck about you grieving your friend. I don't give a fuck about you being at a show.
I NEVER attacked you. I told the truth. You and your common addict paranoia can't handle that truth. HENCE WHY YOU ARE AN ADDICT.
And at this rate, those foolish enough to give a damn about your ungrateful ass will be grieving you next. THAT IS AN ATTACK!!!
Besides that last tweet, all that I said about Sam in those posts, every Facebook update, tweets about those posts, and emails to him was NOT an attack as Sam wants to perceive them. For speaking the truth in the fashion that I spoke them were not at all attacks. The so-called "attacks" he was speaking of was actually his own guilt attacking his soul for making me feel every emotion I had every right to convey in my writings. But like I said to him, it's his addict paranoia. He doesn't want to admit to the bridges he has burned in his life, so he makes it everyone else's fault instead.
Do I feel remorse for anything I said, like not giving a fuck about him grieving his friend? No, I do not. Because I am emotional extremist, and when you push me so far to the dark end of the emotional spectrum that I would say something that inhumane and cold, TRUST ME - YOU EARNED IT.
What's so sad is that this all could have been avoided had he just decided to talk to me. Be it face-to-face, man-to-man, and/or voice-to-voice. NOT tweet-to-tweet. What Sam and I may have needed to talk about was a severe enough matter that messages via Twitter would only show the cowardice of the party initiating that contact method. And in this case, that cowardice was shown by Sam.
I will admit that there was some cowardice on my part in sending those tweets in return. I feared my own reaction to the anger I had every right to have. I feared had I tried responding to anything that he said face-to-face instead, it would have not have ended pretty and only one of us would have walked away. Because I don't take well to verbal abuse AT ALL. I survived it as a child by my mother passed down from her father, and dealt with it again in my 1st place of employment after high school by my supervisor. Situations where you give your all, but are talked down to after not only trying, but actually doing your best. Sam's messages to me were in that same vein. The danger to Sam is that my self-esteem now won't tolerate the existence of people who behave in a verbally abusive manner around me.
I'm sure Sam is not the 1st to use Twitter in such a fashion, and I know he won't be enough of an emotional cripple to be the last. It just angers me to see that I let another such emotional cripple into my life. And by being such, Sam has shown to me that "tweets" are another tool to add to the list as to how emotional cowards communicate.