After Sam's falling off the wagon in Part 1, I kept texting him messages to show him how much damage he was doing to himself, and how much he was pushing me (or anyone else who cared) away. None of those messages got a reply. On my way out Friday night, I did send him a text saying:
I hope you are doing what you need to get better. I wish you well.
To my surprise, he replied Saturday afternoon:
I am sober, 3 days again
I returned with:
Glad to know you're doing better. Keep it up. Take care.
To my surprise, Sunday afternoon, he called me. We had a nice long talk, and he at one point said that all had happened to him was not all his fault. He said he wasn't feeling that social, but I did let him know that I was planning to go sit in Washington Square Park, and invited him to come along, so I'd check in with him to see if he felt better by the time I got there. Once there, I texted him. He said his doctor/friend was coming by. So I told him to enjoy his day, and that we'll talk later. He replied:
Def. Thanks for sticking by me.
So I left it at that for that day. Come Monday however, like I said, when addicts fall off the wagon, they must earn the trust of people around them. So hoping for the best, I went to a hook-up site hoping to NOT find him online...
...THERE HE WAS. And once again, I checked the other sites, and he was there as well.
I sent him an email via one site with a casual tone asking what was he up to.
I could see that he opened the email, and I immediately got a reply stating that he was with a buddy on the UES.
I asked him if he was sober. I could see that email was opened as well, but I never got a reply to that one. Because of this wait, I decided to put my foot down, sending another email saying:
Answering is very important....TRUST ME!!!!
i'm high why
I decided this was it for me. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. So I sent him in reply:
THEN YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. I've tried my best to stand by you, but I can't stand by you when YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD insist on NOT standing on your own.
I guess you're choosing the body bag rather than fighting to be a real man.
I was having my own problems during this time, and while I was standing strong through it all, learning Sam had faltered again did the unusual....it broke down my emotional wall to the point that I actually sat in my room and cried. For he, like everyone else in the situations going on with me at the time, had failed to do their part while I did mine. Basically in this case, I obviously wanted Sam sober more than Sam wanted it for himself.
I called Sam choked up asking what was he doing to himself. And sent text messages to try to wake him up to realize the damage he is doing.
I hope you're proud of yourself....YOU FUCKIN' COWARD!!!!
If you're on a drug binge on the UES, then what about your dogs?
Yesterday, you said all you lost was not ALL your fault.
Well, YOU chose to go with this "buddy".
YOU chose to take that hit.
Then whose fault is it?!
Some now believe that there is a gene that makes one susceptible to addiction. I DON'T BUY THIS. This "gene" is nothing more than a scientist making another excuse for people not taking full responsibility for their actions. If there was such a gene, then why am I not an addict after trying so many different things. I have said it time and time again that I believe the key to addiction is ACCESS. The difference is that a real man or woman is self-assured enough that even when they have access, even if they have to fight themselves to do it, they muster up the strength it takes to still deny themselves of the drug by saying one simple word ---- "NO".
Therefore I don't believe that Sam has such a gene in him. I believe that he like any other addict is just plain and simply not self-assured enough to say "NO". I've had access, so why have I had so many times of saying "no", while there were those other times when I said "yes". It's because I demand myself to be in control of me. I was never doing it to seek approval like some schoolkid falling prey to peer pressure. These people are so desperate for approval, they don't give a damn about where they get it. As long as that the approval comes from the people perceived to be "popular" in their society, and that doesn't necessarily mean those who are for the greater good. And sadly enough, drugs is an easy way to rub elbows with "the popular people".
After collecting myself, the next day, I sent Sam an email. This was it for me. I told myself that I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to stop trying to be the superhero and save the day with my wisdom for people who don't do the actions to back-up their claims of how they want to save themselves. I was finally allowing the reality to set in....that I have to let Sam be his own hero.
So the last email reads:
Yesterday when I called I broke down because you are not the only one with problems. I am in the midst of some of my own, but news of you high again just broke down my emotional wall. Just the day before, you invite me to having dinner with you sometime this week, and the next day, I find you online on every hook-up site on another binge. How am I supposed to feel? I feel like all the time I spent to help you in some kind of way is now wasted. And with everything else going on with me, I can't put myself through trying to help you when you won't help yourself.
You keep talking about getting away from the drugs, and that it because of where you live. WRONG!!!! Stop with the bullshit excuses! BLAME YOURSELF! BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT BEING MAN ENOUGH TO SAY "NO" TO EVERY DRUGGIE THAT WALKS YOUR WAY! BLAME YOURSELF FOR USING DRUGS TO RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF BEING MAN ENOUGH TO FACE THEM! Like I said, I am in the middle of my own problem, but I'm not getting cracked up to run from them. BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT THINKING BETTER OF YOURSELF TO WHERE YOU HAVE THE FAITH IN YOURSELF THAT I WAS TRYING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING TO HAVE IN YOU!
If any of this hurt you, I really don't give a fuck! Because it's the truth that I'm sure no one has told you. And if they have, do you have to wind up in a body bag before you get it?!!!!
Try Being U2B. FREE
That was the last email I sent him. And I have not heard from him since. So whether he's dead or alive now, I don't care, because the truth is...I CAN'T care. If I try right now to send emails or phone calls and get no reply, I can't concern myself with the horrid possibilities anymore. Horrid possibilities such as it turning out that he has OD'd and been dead so long in his apartment that his 2 dogs now have no choice for food but to eat at his dead carcass. I can't concern myself with that, because he won't concern HIMSELF with that. I can't put my life on hold trying to save his, when he refuses to take part in saving himself.
This is the lecherous life of an addict. Sucking out your strength that makes you able to deal with hardships of life, because they need the company for they are too cowardly to make that strength for themselves. So their goal whether they are aware of it or not is to make you just as in despair as they are.
Well, are you going to let that happen? I personally REFUSE TO!!!!! Moving on....