Sunday, May 9, 2010

To Sam: Emails of Intervention, Part 1

A couple of weeks ago, I was online on a hook-up site, and got an invite from someone who has been trying to get me for years. His name is Sam. He's been trying to get me since the beginning of After a few talks back then I learned that he was into PnP, which made me always hesitant to accept his invitation. But for some reason, on this night, I finally gave in.

After I arrived, he opened the door. You could see right away that PnP had taken its toll on him. For the body that opened the door was not the body in his profile picture. Which wasn't much of a shock, because we did meet briefly once before a couple of years ago at a Banya Pool Party, and I made the same assessment then. The difference is that since I was not there to treat his place as a drug stop, I have the humanity that makes me take note of these things, while addicts craving a fix overlook it.

As I anticipated, there were other guys there already. As some left, some new ones came in. We all know that I love sex, and I don't need drugs to make me love it any more than I already do. So you may wonder why would I try crystal meth? It's because I knew that after this I was not putting myself in too many situations where I can get hooked like Sam or anyone else there. In fact, that's probably the reason I finally accepted Sam's invitation. It's because I knew that my curiousity over the high from crystal meth would finally be satisified. So while everyone else used Sam's place as a drug stop, I used it as a laboratory using myself as a human guinea pig. Even experiencing what is called a "booty bump", where the crystal meth is put inside your ass.

So how did the high feel? I can honestly say that like with any other drug I have experimented with, I didn't do anything that I wouldn't do sober. The problem with crystal meth is that while I'm not doing things that are out of character, the effects the drug has on my body is that it makes me unable to do them properly by telling me when to stop. Such as the fact that I love showing off my prowess at sucking cock, and while I was doing it with no regret about who I did it to, the drug caused my mouth to be so dry that I shouldn't have gave anyone a blowjob at all, but I did it anyway often. The crystal meth had me so blind to the state my body was in that I believed that a drink of water beforehand would help, but didn't. This resulted in a rough feeling tongue, and dry busted lips.

Also, with not one bit of joking intended as I say this, but out of respect for the beauty of sex, I take great pride in my ability to have an erection. It makes me able to physically show my partner that I am into them. Of course as a top, but also as a bottom. And I find it quite moronic to knowingly take a drug that takes that ability away from you. After all, don't men feel inadequate enough when they suffer from erectile dysfunction. Therefore, how assinine do you have to be to knowlingly make yourself suffer from erectile dysfunction?

As the group dwindled down to where it was just me and Sam, he started baring his soul to me. About how he was up for 3 days straight, and the more time I spent with him, the more he told me, but it was the incident that I talked about in "He's Not My "Type"" that made him confess how he wanted to stop, and his history of attempts.

There was some connection between me and Sam. I had no idea what it was, but it obviously made him treat me differently than anybody else there. Even to the point that while he's having sex with someone else, he was always reaching to hold my hand. Who does that? He didn't do it to anybody else, so why did he do it to me? I believe that it was the bond he felt from the 1st time he emailed me on was still there, and because of his addiction, he now craved that bond more than ever.

Whatever this connection was, even Sam's 2 dogs felt it. As any pet-owner will understand when I point out that while everyone else was there, his dogs stayed out of the way. In fact, the largest one stayed on her bed in the corner of the room. Once it was just me and Sam, both dogs came alive, and would jump on the bed licking my face. When someone else showed up, they went back to being out of the way.

Now, I left my house after 11 PM that Monday night and arrived after midnight Tuesday. As part of his apology for the incident from "He Not My "Type"", Sam asked me to stay over, and I accepted. We spent the entire night with him holding my hand, and cuddling. If at any point he woke up during the night, and our hands were apart, he went reaching to hold my hand again. So there was that bond again in action. All of this had me not leaving his place until Wednesday.

I checked on him Thursday and Friday. Thursday, he invited me to go see the Disney movie, "Oceans", and I went along. It was a movie I always thought would be interesting, but I never would have seen it on my own, so I was glad I did. Friday, we sent text messages to each other, by night time, when I asked him how he was doing, he said that he was "sad and lonely, but ok".

I asked him if he wanted company. He said sure. And to make clear, I did not mean "company" in the sexual sense. If it happened, then it happened, which it did not. My intention was to let my presence there be a barrier because it was a Friday night, some addict could easily try dropping by. So I stayed the night, and left that afternoon. I had a bad feeling about leaving , because a friend of his that he said that he hasn't seen for months was coming by. I feared this "friend" was going to make Sam's 3 days of sobriety were coming to an end. So my trip from the Bronx to the Penn Station area was going to show itself to be a waste of my time....and concern.

I got up Sunday and something made me go to a hook-up site. I looked up his name and saw Sam was online. Then I went to another hook-up site, and another to find that Sam was on all of them. The pattern of PnP people was there again. So what I feared came true. Once I left, he went back on a binge, and I have no doubt this "friend" Sam mentioned is who helped him to falter. I tried sending emails and text messages all day with no reply. Then finally as it was nearing midnight, Sam replied by both email and text that he would call me the next day.

Any one who has dealt with an addict knows to be suspicious of their promises to themselves and you. So Monday I went back online to check and see if Sam really meant what he said about calling me. Because if he did, before anything else, he would call me like he said he would, and I would NOT find him online on a hook-up site. Sadly, I must say that I did. I sent him an email saying that I guess I shouldn't expect that phone call.

His reply:
 dude u are a jerk right now leave me alone

After all I had done from being a listening ear to travelling all that way for him to fall off the wagon so soon, and a response like this is the thanks I get?! You know that I was seething with anger. So I emailed this reply to him:
I'm not being a jerk! I'm trying to be the one person who gives a damn. The one person who tries to see you as something more than just a drug-stop.


You want me to leave you alone?! Fine, I'll leave you to die as an ingrate like you deserves to. And maybe your dogs can eat your dead carcass when you OD.

As cruel as that was to say, it was honesty that he needed to hear. That while he may be high when he  initially sees, you hope that at some point once he's sober that he realizes how you are one of few that care.

Well, such a sign did show itself. Which is why there's more to this story....that will be told tomorrow.

Read Part 2:

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