Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Seeking The Silver In The TIM Dim Cloud

At the end of February, I was attempting to make a brief return to porn. The studio was Treasure Island Meida where in one email  to describe the shoot said they were "treating it like a paid audition" with a group of 5 or 6 guys who were all versatile and ready, willing and able to flip-fuck - and it was a total bust. I can't speak for the others, but for me, I could not perform with someone's body odor reeking in the room. Especially when we were instructed to wear deodorant. As far as I knew, this was not supposed to be a bear shoot where stench is looked upon as a badge of honor. Yet instead of the director telling the person with the body odor to either "hit the showers, or hit the road", we all had to try to endure that stench, which intensified as the heat in a hotel room rose because of NO AIR CONDITIONING.

This is why if I make an official return to porn, I'm sticking to my rule of knowing my scene partner beforehand, because I let that rule slide once since making it, and look what happens! Had I known this guy would be there I would have probably bailed on the idea of working with him, because I've worked with that guy before at a live appearance, and seen him at parties, and body odor was something I experienced EVERYTIME while being near him. I would go into greater detail about this, but that's not the main idea of this post. That was the bad part of the backstory that I thought would lead to the good part of that day.

The good that I thought came of it was when me and one of the other guys on the set,  Aandré hit it off - from the moment we saw each other. As soon as he saw me, he started making out with me, and I wasn't going to complain, because I felt the magnetism as well.

Being the shy guy that I am, before the attempt at shooting began, we were exchanging glances, and once the shooting began, we were not only the 1st to fuck, but the 1st to flip-fuck. However, as I mentioned before, the smelly guy's body odor was killing my hard-on. Once the director ended the shoot, Aandré invited me back to his place to pick up where we left off on the set.

We did pick up where we left off. That night, the sex was HOT AS FUCK. But we didn't get to the sex right away that night. We talked - alot, and this became our way everyday that week. We grew so close, so fast that I wound up living there for practically a whole week. This led me to feel that this was the silver lining in the dark cloud that was the Treasure Island shoot.

In those talks, he revealed to me that he was an escort, and has been for some time. He also revealed that he didn't want to do it much more if he was to be with me, and I was open to trying a relationship, be it monogamous or open. I must admit to having more misgivngs about dating an escort than I would a porn actor. It's because as I've stated repeatedly about the difference between the 2 sex occupations. Porn actors are supposed to have an attraction to their scene partners, while escorts don't have to, which actually makes it that much more of a mental strain on them. This furthers their need to be detached, which is unhealthy for the mind and body. Now for an entire week and a half, Aandré made it clear he wanted to be attached to me instead. So much so that he didn't even want to see any of my movie scenes, and I was willing to be with him while he continued escorting.

What happened in that week and a half?
Aandré had a call with a client. The moment that happened Aandré's upbeat mood did a complete 180 degree change, with all desires for his future that he conveyed to me dying in that moment, and yet to be resurrected. So in short, me and Aandré only lasted 10 days. An intense 10 days, but only 10 days nonetheless. 10 days that made me feel that the dark cloud that was the Treasure Island shoot broke the rule of how "every dark cloud has a silver lining". For this cloud now seemed to have none.

You would think this would make me heartbroken, but the truth is I'm more disappointed. And above all disgusted by his presence for wasting my time. For while I try to look at every one as an individual, between my failed hook-up with Jason White and now a failed romance with Aandré, I'm starting to re-think looking at escorts as individuals, and say that they are all cut from the same cloth - the dirty cloth of empty emotions.

That cloth I speak of is that of how there is something in an escort's life that they are not dealing with - an emotional wall that they refuse (and in some cases, are too cowardly) to take down. The misfortune is when they bring this mindset into a relationship, platonic or romantic. They're emotionally detached people who can only appear to thrive when they are amongst others who also live a life of detaching themselves. All other people are kept at a distance, and anyone in the mental health field will tell you, this is a self-destructive life.

To explain to me one of the reasons he escorts, Aandré once said, "It allows me to treat people like shit, because I can't treat you like shit."

I'm not being sarcastic in saying this, but I would hope that a good psychiatrist would ask him the same question I was too shocked to ask him at the time in response to that statement. That question being----What in your life (namely your past) would make you purposely take a job that makes you treat people like shit?

Therefore, while André said to me that he's not boyfriend material because of his escorting, I'm realizing NO ESCORT IS BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. For to knowingly take a job that makes you treat people like shit, because the johns treat you like shit makes you treat others like shit that you claim to love and/or care for. So you make yourself part of an ugly cycle of disrespectful behavior. The sad thing about Aandré is that he's been escorting for almost 20 years. I say this to point out, he's not getting any younger, so when is he going to take himself out of that ugly cycle and make himself not only boyfriend material - but emotionally attainable. He needs to man-up and deal with his issues of his past. And my loyal readers know that I practice what I preach by saying this, just as I documented on this blog my overcoming my racism towards other Black men, among other things.

In response to Aandré saying that he's not "boyfriend material". I told him that just the fact that he can say that shows that he has the potential to change it, but he's just too lazy to do the work on himself to make that needed change happen. And because he won't make that change, Aandré, other escorts, and the many who live such detached lives as well are all destined for loneliness that includes drug use (prescription and/or illegal) to escape the pain of that loneliness.

At this point, I have a life worth living to proceed with, and I don't, can't and won't care beyond writing this post to show my concern. Any other action holds me back to progressing just like Aandré is doing to himself right now by being in this escorting "game", especially at his age. So Aandré's 180 degree turn has now justifiably sparked my 180 turn in my empathy.

I was hoping that maybe I could take Aandré along on my journey of growing with me, but he is now just another existence who let me down. Because of his emotional instability, he's another Danny. Luckily, while Danny took years for me to realize I was wasting my time, I used that as a lesson. Hence why with Aandré, it was less than 2 weeks.

So as you can see, nothing good came of that day. Lousy protocol for a porn shoot, and I left with a lousy excuse for a man.

Or did some good come of it after all?

Maybe, just maybe some guy escorting will stop being in denial and realize that they are living the life of detachment by reading this post they'll see the sadness that is Aandré mirrored in their own life. Maybe this post will make them realize how contemptuous they are making their existence to be to where no one of value will want them, and they will man-up, and start the hard work and face the trials to make themselves worthy of someone of value.

If this is the silver lining in this dark cloud, even with the aggravation fate put me through to expose it....I say THANK GOD FOR IT.

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