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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

In Memory Of My Friend, Andrew

Sunday evening I got some sad news. The mother of my dear friend, Andrew Jonas called me to tell me that Andrew had passed away around 4:30 that afternoon. This was totally unexpected news to me, because as far as I knew nothing was wrong with him. I was understandably numb at first, and the whole time I was talking to his mom on the phone, not a tear came to my eye. I was already out, and planning on going out to Daniel Nardicio's new party, SpeakEasy after a quick stop at home to shower. Once home, when I sat down, I broke down.

Believe it or not, I did go to SpeakEasy, and that made me forget for a couple of hours, but once I returned home, the tears came again, then I fell asleep. Then I had one of those dreams that felt so real. The fact it was only a dream should have been obvious, because in it, I never saw Andrew's face, but I heard his voice. I have no idea of what he was saying, but just my hearing his voice made me say, "It was all a mistake. Thank goodness he's not dead."

But then I woke up, and when I realized that it was a dream, therefore my mistaking that dream for reality was the mistake, I laid in my bed and started crying all over again Monday morning.

I have never experienced losing a friend before. Sad to say, but in this day and age, most people my age have experienced losing a friend at least once. My most loyal readers may recall the fact that my social life didn't begin until I was nearing 31 years old. So all the social situations of friends, dating, even a 1st kiss, that teenagers take for granted, eluded me for all those years. In regards to friends, during those teenage years, many of us make our friends that we have for the rest of our lives. So in my case, I have a couple of friends from my early 20's who to my surprise (because of my mindset at the time) fall into that category of "lifelong friends". But since then, few have come into my life to give me that caliber of friendship again.
My friend, Andrew was one of those select few.

We met at Will Clark's Porno Bingo about 3 years ago when it was held at the 9th Avenue Bistro. Being forever the observer before making myself approachable, I watched Andrew's extrovert personality in action as he was part of Cheer NY at the time, as they were and still are often a beneficiary for some nights of Porno Bingo. I was quite drawn to his extrovert personality as it was opposite of myself. Now, some extroverts I feel are best left alone, but Andrew was one that I wanted to know, because his way of being a social butterfly had a grace I felt I could learn from. We exchanged numbers, and kept in touch. So if asked if I feel I did learn from him. I feel I have. A very great deal in fact. Which is why we had become such great friends over those 3 years.

One thing that saddens me about his passing is the fact that the chance to learn even more has now been taken from me, and the others who felt the same way about him. For Andrew's joyous manner was infectious, even when he himself was not in the best place. And I've always felt that if you didn't catch the "be happy" vibe he was sending out, then the flaw lied in you, not Andrew.

Losing Andrew also means this world losing one of the most thoughtful people ever. He was one of my biggest cheerleaders about my blogging. Anytime I told him of the bad things said about me either in comments here or on another blog, he always reassured me that I wasn't being the whiner some tried to claim me to be. He always reassured me of how I was telling the truth that many can't handle. One of those truths were about racism. I know few White men willing to have an in-depth conversation about racism with a Black man, because they've jumped on the bandwagon of believing it will cause "Angry Black Man Syndrome", so whatever we say will be proof of Blacks being paranoid or over-dramatic. But not Andrew. He never took that low road. Instead, he asked questions because he knew he came from a life where he didn't experience the denials based on race in predominately White environments. He was a thoughtful enough person to want to know what is the viewpoint of those who are unjustly being denied, and what are the signs in the outcome to prove it. So whatever he learned from my blog, he often asked me point blank to go deeper into it. And his bravery to ask and willingness to listen made him that much more special a human being.

There is a little voice in my head reminding me the expression of "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it", and how I wanted friends so badly growing up. It's obviously a negative voice because it's reminding me of how having friends means eventually having to endure the pain of saying "goodbye", so maybe going back to my hermit life is best to avoid dealing with the pain I'm feeling now. I then have to ask myself this:

Isn't it better that I know and love people for a short time, rather than to have never known and loved them at all? If they never entered my life, how would I grow?

I then turn this by asking without Andrew ever entering my life, where would I be? And I answer myself realizing I wouldn't be in a good place.

So after losing Andrew, I'm experiencing for myself of how many have said that God takes all the good ones first. When he took Andrew, so unexpectedly, he most certainly did. And while I am saddened by it, I refuse to ask God, "Why?" As the God-believing man that I am, I have chosen to believe that taking Andrew is God's test for us to continue in ourselves what Andrew brought to our lives and past it on in our interactions with each other. The joyful manner, the non-judgement, the bravery, and the willingness to learn are just a few of the things Andrew brought into so many lives.

May he live on by us passing those ways on.

My MOC Blog "Exit" Interview

Hello there,

My "farewell to porn" interview is on MOC Blog. Check it out here:
http://menofcolor.blogs.com/moc_blog/2009/09/tr%C3%A9-xavier-bids-adieu-to-porn.html

Keep Being U2B. FREE,

Monday, September 28, 2009

Live On Stage....FUCKING!

Besides the reasons for retiring from porn that I gave in "R.I.P. Tré Xavier - Porn Actor", another reason I retired was because sex was becoming mundane work on a porn set. I mean, I know it's supposed to be work, but it's supposed to be fun work. It is sex after all, and that's why I believe many performers got into doing it in addtion to a regular 9 to 5 in the first place. And the mundane work porn has become in additon to the mundane manner of a 9 to 5 is what probably give some degree of truth to the belief of how much drug use porn actors do. I feel if studios are going to strip porn of that fun, then I'm better off doing only my 9 to 5. Like my friend Achmat said of how the bright lights take away from it, he couldn't be more right. So I prefer going to a party, and having a hot guy(s) with whom I can put on a LIVE show instead.

I seem to know how to pick guys to make out with at parties whose sexual energy combined with mine will cause sexual behavior to become infectious. I've done it at Baña, where everyone was sitting around in the jacuzzi, like scared teenage male wallflowers at a school dance. Me and a friend started making out. When we got out, we looked back to find guys starting to follow our lead - finally.

The same thing happened at a sex party recently. On 2 floors, no one was doing much of anything. With that being the case, the attendant I was attracted to had some free time, so we started making out. THEN guys wanted to either join in with us, or start their own thing with each other. Well, I may have done it again recently, and with someone I have told a tale about before.

Not too long ago, I went to this party that had a "Scout" theme. There was a tent on stage, just as the ad said there would be. The ad also said that "whatever happens in the tent, stays in the tent." I knew that if I had a friend along with me for this party, it would have to be someone I could have fun with, and maybe take advantage of that promo line about the tent. Therefore, it should be no surprise to know that I forwarded the email to my partner in crime from Daniel Nardicio's XXX Birthday Cruise - Sleaze On The Seas, and he while he was at first considering laying low that weekend, it didn't take long for him to change his mind, and meet me there.

We didn't go at each other as soon as we saw each other. We talked, danced a bit, and then he suggested going into the tent. We made our way to the tent, slipped inside, and had an oral field day on each other. The more I sucked his dick, the more I wanted it in me, but I was quite patient before asking, "You wanna fuck me?"

He said, "Yeah!"

He had a bag with all essentials of condom and lube just as I had them in my pocket, and we went at it. I was surprised at how many positions we pulled off in that small space. It was a tent big enough for I believe 2, but no more than 3 people to sleep in. FUCKING IN IT is a different story. I guess like they say, "if there's a will, there's a way".

And we did wind up putting on a show, because the design of the tent is similar to the one in the picture on the left. It had mesh all around it just below the dome, as well as mesh on the top half of the door. So you could easily see something was going on in that tent from looking from the front. But if you got right up on it and looked from above, you got to play voyeur to a live sex show.

My friend shot a massive load all over himself. I came out of the tent to get him some paper towels so he could wipe himself off. Even after wiping himself off, we wreaked of cum, and being the sex pig that I am, that smell made me want to lick that remnants of cum off of him, and take in his dick again. Instead of having a Round 2, we got out of the tent, and the party seemed to thin out a bit from what it was before we got in the tent. I wonder did we make people get so horny that they had to go off and make their own show in their private places.

Tales like this is why I've come to like showing my exhibitionist spirit away from the camera. It's just like how many mainstream actors say they prefer stage to recorded media of film & video. With the stage, you get that immediate reaction, and you can see the effects of your performance on the audience, but with film & video, you can only imagine.

The same holds true with having sex in front of many. You have an audience of voyeurs with their hard-ons saluting every proper thrust by the top, and every correct vocal and physical response from the bottom. Every top in the crowd wishes every tingling sensation going through that top's dick was going through his, while every bottom wishes the sensation of that dick going back and forth rubbing the nerves of the performing bottom in such a pleasurable way was rubbing that way through their own canal. Hence how the party begins,....

....and hence why I love to inspire by fucking LIVE.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Let Calvin Save Calvin!

Tuesday afternoon I tuned into The Tyra Banks Show having no idea what the topic of the day was. I discovered that a big part of it was about gay teens being ostracized by adult superiors.

Growing up in a religious household, I definitely identified with the young male, Calvin, who claimed to go to a ministry that performed an exorcism so that he would no longer be gay. I never went to the extent of trying to be exorcised of a demon, but after all the times I have mentioned my coming out process, you may recall my years of contemplating suicide. The couple heading the ministry claiming to be a "prophet" and an "overseer" troubled me immensely. I knew I was going to either write a comment on TyraShow.com for everyone to see, or email the show directly with my feelings.

I put it off for sharing those feelings for hours. Hours that went into the next day. But at an unexpected moment the youngster, Calvin's face flashed in my mind, and that unexpected moment caused an unexpected reaction...

...I got choked up.

Realizing how Calvin is in some way me in my teenage years, I knew I had to say something. Give some testament as to how I understand his pain, and he won't truly be a man until he lives for himself knowing God STILL loves him. So with a lump in my throat, I went to TyraShow.com to the page where you can give viewer comments and possibly be on the show, and started reliving my history with this message:

It just would not feel right to me if I didn't comment on yesterday's show with that couple claiming to perform exorcisms on that gay teenager.

I saw my younger self in that 16 year-old young man, and it broke my heart. I grew up in a religious household where it was discovered in my elementary school years that I had sexual feelings towards both females and males. But the feelings towards males was more dominant. I was told by my mother THEN that if I had sex with a man I would immediately go to hell. This led me to have a far from normal social life for a teenager. I had friends, but never let them get a normal degree of close. Nor did I date. And when the slightest thing went wrong in my life, I contemplated suicide. This went on for all those years from my teen years until my coming to terms with my sexuality. I was 7 weeks from turning 31, and I realized that I STILL did not know my sexual orientation. So I went to put myself out in the social scene to find out. Just so you know, before this I was a virgin - no sex with women or men.

About 3 years later, I got into the gay porn industry. While I am an exhibtionist at heart, I do believe a part of me got into porn because all those years of sexual repression made me feel the need to show my sexual self to the world. I just recently retired from it. I don't regret my past in porn, or have shame over it, but realizing what AT THAT TIME made me feel the need to be a part of it is what troubles me.

Enough about me. My concern is the young man, I believe his name was Calvin. Calvin went to that couple because the same fear that was instilled in me was instilled in him. He's only 16, so he's fearing getting kicked out of his home, he's fearing being ostracized. Calvin was hurting from those fears, and that couple took advantage of that and shoved their own beliefs down his throat. And no matter what they tell you, it was for the sake of stroking their own ego. Which I'm sure will cause more hurt to Calvin in the long run if he doesn't realize that he's not choosing his own path. If you can somehow pass the message along to Calvin that he will TRULY be loved and respected for being true to himself. If he keeps up the facade, the love he thinks he is giving and receiving will never be real. Thank you.

I hope my message does reach Calvin, and that others feel the need to send him the same message of loving himself before the effects of what that ministry did takes such a hold on him that he will never be free to be. And if that results in something like Calvin committing suicide, or becoming a molester, that is blood on that ministry's hands, but you know they will never own up to. So I hope these messages save him before it's too late.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

R.I.P. Tré Xavier - Porn Actor

In my interview with Papi Chulo back in June, I hinted that I may be leaving the porn industry.
Well this post is to announce that it is official - I am leaving the porn industry.
In recent months, I have been doing so many projects outside of the industry that looking for an opportunity to get back in front of the camera has become of no relevance to me. I have often said in my blog posts of how easy it should be to bow out of this industry because "it's only porn", and now I am practicing what I preach.

Furthermore, between all the racism, false hopes, and disregard for performers' and audiences' welfare that I have faced and written numerous posts about over time, I had to ask myself as to whether or not being in this industry makes me happy. And the truth of the matter is thanks to the racism, false hopes, and disregards by agencies like FabScout and studios like Big City, Black Scorpion, Falcon, Jet Set, Lucas, Raging Stallion, and Tyson Cane, I'm not happy being a part of it at all. In fact, looking at the porn industry as a whole, I realized the undeniable fact that because of the companies I mentioned (and those I didn't whose actions wreak the same results), the American gay porn industry is eroding, and I am getting out before it erodes me with it.
In regards to all the posts that I've written about what's wrong with this industry, I wrote all those posts with the hopes of making this industry take a needed look at itself and make itself better in the process. This is something I do for myself, and I expect others around me to do the same. But seeing how so many porn news websites like Unzipped.net and The Sword (due to their current "leadership") insist on reporting fluff instead of the reality that we performers face that are often symbolic of what's happening in the American gay community made me ask myself this question:

Why am I fighting to better an industry where the people in it have repeatedly chosen to ignore my intellect, integrity, and creativity, thereby making that industry way more than a little unworthy of my or anyone else's prowess of such high caliber?

The fact is the American gay porn industry has become a revolving door of performers. There are no more porn legends. There's now just a bunch of guys with high-rates who will never become a Jeff Stryker or Peter Berlin, names I'm sure many of you even in your 20's heard of at some point. What happens now is that just as soon as they get a decent-sized fanbase, those models with enough skill to do other things decide to move on, as I am doing now (and Trent Atkins has already done) because producers/directors and agents have allowed their lecherous ways suck the fun out of this industry.

It's not just me who feels this way. Fans of the porn industry are now becoming former fans of the industry, and turning to amateur porn instead. Because we watch porn to play voyeurs, and these big name studios have forgotten that. Well the former fans haven't forgotten, as it is proven by this quote from my friend, Achmat, as it is a sentiment shared and told to me by many, some total strangers who didn't even know I did porn:

"I love amateur porn because it captures the essence of sex. People are as they are and not what the label wants them to be...Amateur porn captures the fantasy, desire, and passion that the bright lights, pay checks, and fake tans have eroded."

Now, my being in this industry hasn't been all bad. I made some great friends along the way. And it is the industry that gave birth to the "Tré Xavier" persona, which is why if this industry shows any signs of healing its self-inflicted hemorrhage, I will return. But for now, the time has come to move on and take the persona to a higher level. And with all that I've been doing lately, I'm just getting started.

I'm sure based on this post many of my loyal readers fear that this blog will be no more. Well I am assuring you here that while "Tré Xavier - Porn Actor" is no more, "Tré Xavier - Blogger" is still alive and well, which means THIS BLOG ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE. So porn companies and publications, you still need to be on your guard from me calling them out.

For I will still be watching you.


Why would I let my blog go now when I believe I have turned "Tré's X-Ray Vision" from being just another porn actor's blog, to being a blog from a porn actor with a social conscience, to a blog from a regular socially aware guy who just happens to be an exhibitionist. The reason this metamorphosis is important to me is because exhibitionism with the title "porn actor" attached to it can get one treated like a god, and way too many porn actors start believing that of themselves. I however always wanted it to be that no matter what your country of birth or residence, you can say that I'm your brother, and in no way should be or (more importantly) seeks to be treated like a god.

You have all taken me on this great journey, and helped in giving me the courage to move on to the next chapter. I hope you will move on with me, and with that strength added to mine, I will not disappoint.

So now, think of this video as me washing off yesterday, so I can be refreshed in taking on today and beyond.



video

Music: "Love Wasn't Built In A Day" (Instrumental Version) featuring Dave Koz

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Prelude to "R.I.P. Tré Xavier - Porn Actor"

Hello,

You may have noticed my website, Tre-X.com is no more. Well along with that my email address has now changed as well. Please note that my new email address is trexavier@rocketmail.com.

The main reason for the dissolve of the website is the reason I am writing this email. It is to inform you that I am officially leaving the porn industry. This should come as no surprise considering all I have said in my blog posts over time, PLUS the fact that the last time I was on a porn set was to do my dialogue with Mario Ortiz for “ALL OUT ASSAULT”(Knight Stick Films) in January 2008. And just before I signed on for that movie, I was on the verge of quitting, but doing appearances on behalf of the movie (which I am very much proud of as it shows the diversity I’ve often complained about) kept me around a little bit longer, hoping the industry would better itself during that time.

I will go into more detail in my upcoming post about my leaving porn tomorrow, September 23rd, which will be followed shortly after by an “exit” interview by Victor Hoff of MOC Blog.

Lastly, while “Tré Xavier, porn actor” is going away, “Tré Xavier, blogger” is not. So keep checking in on this blog as I will continue to look beyond the surface of what we’ve been told about sex, life & love. Thank you.

Keep Being U2B. FREE,

Friday, September 18, 2009

Almost Fisted Tryst

Last week, I went to a bathhouse here in New York City. I got some action early on after checking in. In fact, here's the run-down of all the action I had there:

First, a bubble-butt Latino bottoms for me, with an ass that feels so great that I haven't been checked-in for 15 minutes yet, and already I'm on the verge of cumming. Luckily, he came from me fucking him, so I moved on;
Second, another guy bottoms for me. I fucked his ass changing paces. Going from slow strokes one moment to the next where I'm ramming my dick into him so that I'm sure anyone walking past that door could hear them smacks from my crotch meeting his plump ass. Because of that, I got told how (the good kind of) "bad" I am. Between topping these 2 guys, both feeling so good that I top so vigorously this soon after arriving, I needed to give my dick a break. However, it turned out being that he wasn't so done with me just yet, and he didn't need my dick to do it. The rest of my conquests are quite interesting, but I must come back to this tryst as it leads to the title;
Third, I decided to not walk around so much, and take an idea from the guys who are considered less attractive by just laying in the room totally naked and seeing which hot guy walked by wanting to come in. I've never done this before, but I figured if I wasn't interested in whoever tried coming into the room, then you either said "no", or turned your head. To show lack of interest, I chose the latter. One guy was so stubborn, he still came into my room, and I had to actually say the word, "No!". What pissed me off with this was the fact that the guy was wearing glasses, and my room was not so dimly lit. Therefore what part of my head turning away did he not see, or what he that much of a jerk that he decided to come in regardless? Well, once he finally got the point, these 2 hotties were standing outside my room, and I gave them the eye to invite them in. One of them was cruising me earlier, so I figured it was just a matter of time before I got him. Both of them had big cocks, and I thought to myself if these guys tag-team me, then my ass may be done for. Well I didn't have to worry because we wound up having a 3-way suckfest - and lickfest, if you include how while in a 69 position with one of them, I licked his ass while he sucked my dick. I loved licking his hole, and sucking on his plump ass cheeks. We called it quits with no one shooting a load, and I went to wash off and stretch my legs for a bit, then returned to my room;
Fourth, one of the other guys I had been cruising came into my room. My attraction to him was a little unusual because he wasn't fat, but did have a little more meat on him, and I don't usually go for those type of guys. But something about his aura turned what many may see as an outer flaw into something sexy as all hell. Proof is the fact that I wanted him to slam all that weight right into my hole, and I knew I was going to love it. Which I very much did. All in that tiny room, we actually maneuvered ourselves so he could fuck me doggy-style, missionary, and end it by spooning me . We shot his load on me, then I came on myself, so I had a cum-bath that I now needed to wash off myself from chest to groin. Although truth be told, I actually hate to wash it off, because I like the smell of cum on me. That smell lets everyone know that you been fucking and you gave it so good and/or working on some ass so hard that cum gushing from one or more guys was the end result.
So reluctantly, I went to shower, but that wasn't the end;
Fifth, while I should have been getting my clothes on and heading home, I decided to walk around again, and ran into yet another guy I was mutually cruising earlier. He was a taller and muscular guy who actually wanted to bottom for little me. I gave him what he wanted until my cock lost it's hard-on from finally cumming not too long ago after all the fucking and sucking it had the pleasure of feeling earlier. So at this point, I showered again, then finally took my sexually satisfied-self home.

Now back to the second tryst.
What he didn't need my dick to do was go in his hole. He wanted me to finger him. He asked me how many fingers was I using, I told the truth, which was 1. He seemed disappointed, so I asked if he wanted another, and he replied with a yes. So I lubed up another finger, and went in. He told me that he wanted to know how many fingers he could take. Between experience with fingering males and females and reading quite a few sex instruction books mostly before becoming sexually active, I knew quite well of where to finger inside him to make him enjoy it. Most guys are fucking clueless on this which is why I usually hate getting fingered. My hitting that right spot made him ask for another finger, and then my thumb. At this point, all that was left outside of him was my little pinky finger. So in the midst of his moans, I slipped that in there, and he loved it, and was happy and shocked when I revealed that all 5 of my fingers were in his ass.

What surprised me was the fact that he wasn't the only one happy - so was I. In fact, I was getting turned on by doing this to him. My knuckles were just outside his anus, and my dick was getting harder by the second watching and realizing it. The reason I stopped was because (1) I respect a man's hole enough to not risk taking him beyond his seemed limitations, and (2) he had me doing it so long, I feared missing out on some other action I could be having. And based on all the other trysts I had in that bath-house outing, I would say that I left at the right time.


What may have also turned me with almost fisting this guy was the fact that this was somewhat new territory for me. Somewhat, because I was actually revisiting a memory from about a year ago at Daniel Nardicio's Oktoberfist party where there was a fisting demonstration. As much as I hated admitting it, I was getting turned on watching it happen then. That was probably what added to my attraction to the fisting bottom to the point of letting him use his big dick on a short body to fuck my ass not too long after the demonstration. I commended him on the demo, and he offered to teach me to be a fisting bottom. I declined, for as I keep saying, I have a rep for having a tight hole, and I want to keep that rep, THANK YOU.

Monday, September 14, 2009

On Racist Blast: NYC's Go-Go Dancing Scene

I've often have said recently in my posts regarding the racism in the gay porn industry that you can only look at the same type of White guys fuck but so many times before it becomes boring. That is unless you have lowered your existence to being a creature of habit. Well, the same goes for go-go boys. You can only see the same type of White guys but so many times before the White asses and crotches get boring. And the problem in New York City right now, is that bars, clubs, and party promoters acts as if White boys are all that exist as signs of what is beautiful and sexy in this city. They may however throw in some light-skinned Latinos or if you're lucky enough to see a Black dancer there, he's always muscled-up - never a simply toned physique like you will find on some White dancers. In other words - AGAIN, NO VARIETY.

Splash Bar in NY is definitely one place that is guilty of this racist hiring of dancers. Even on their so-called Black and Latino night where you can find a Latino go-go boy with a toned physique, but with a Black dancer, it has to be obvious that they hit the gym hard. This racist perception while hiring dancers is not limited only to Splash Bar. Other culprits include The Urge, and g Lounge. And if it's not the bars responsible, then there are way too many party promoters that I can list who contribute to this problem.

And yes, I did use the word, "problem". Considering the fact that one hires a go-go boy to be eye-candy for the crowd in their bar, club, and/or party, if your patronage is the gorgeous variety of colors and ethnicities that make up New York City, then isn't it only right that you put that gorgeous variety on display for them. Instead, what they present to you is the result of their stereotypical gay behavior of self-absorption by showing their redneck hick mentality that they didn't lose when they came to the melting-pot mecca that is suppose to be New York City. "Suppose to be" because the migration of those redneck hicks is making New York no longer the symbol of variety it once was.

I ask you, isn't this sight old already? I believe it is, because I'm seeing go-go boys make less and less in tips. That is unless they act like hustlers about getting them the way some do at The Urge or Macho Mondays @Nowhere.

One of the things that brought this problem to my attention was how often I get asked why am I not dancing. This has been asked of me from not only strangers (who may be using a line), but also patrons who know me from parties of promoters that I have danced for in the past, and most recently from of all people - an actual dancer while he's on the bar. He's was actually trying to set me up to talk to the manager, then I had to break the news that shocked him of how I had already been there, and done that. I'm sure I get asked this because I'm quite well-maintained. However, due to the racist perception of the promoter or manager, my simply toned body combined with my Black skin makes me unqualified to so much as apply, which may also contribute to the problem for many other toned-physiqued Blacks besides myself.

This racist perception has gone on for so long that just like in the porn industry, many Blacks who could do well as a go-go boy, but whose perfectly fine physiques don't fit that limiting perception don't even apply because they feel, "why bother?". Thereby, showing a justified lost of faith in the hiring process.

It is sad that New York City has become segregated within itself this way, where if you want to see White, you don't have to look too far AND you get a variety of body types to choose from. However, if you want to see Blacks - go here and/or wait until this 1 night of the week and it's muscled-up only; if you want to see Latinos - go here; and if you want Asians, travel all the way over to The Web. It is unseemly that unless you are one of the racist midwestern mindsets that have migrated to New York in recent years, that you should have to wait or travel far at all within the city for your non-White eye candy.

Is it just me, or do you find this incredibly unfair? I've gotten to the point with it where I don't tip a buck out of admiration, I tip a buck to the dancers so that they would move the fuck on with their all-too-common look. Ones that are not too common are the ones that get a dollar and then some, unless I'm in a charitable mood to the ones that act like hustlers. I mean there are so many White guys that if you line them up by torso and crotches, you can't them apart unless they have a defining tattoo.

For example, these are not 3 pictures of 1 guy in different go-go gear. They are 3 different go-go dancers at the same party taken on the same night. AND 2 of the 3 look like whoever hired them has a Brent Corrigan fixation. If these promoters and managers would ethnically mix up their dance staff, maybe you could tell them apart better. Nor should I be able to use as an example of how with those having these all-too-common looks, while I may tip with a smile on my face, the real thought going on in my head goes more like this:

"Oh another one of you, what a shocker. Uh, here's a buck so you can move the fuck out of the way, so I can make eye contact with that slim Black guy across from me. You see, he's has a beauty that hasn't been shoved down my throat by gay media to admire. I like my men that way. Because the fact that he has allowed himself to just be slim, and not become a gym-rat is what makes him one step closer than you to being the embodiment of a REAL man.... NEXT!"

It's things like racism that (as racism always does) contribute to a lost of luster. One that in this case dulls NYC gay nightlife. The many non-Whites in this city get no decent amount of representation of their beauty by way of eye candy like go-go dancers. Furthermore, I hate the fact that when out-of-towners ask me where to go hang out, with one of my criterias being eye candy, that I have very little to recommend because the go-go boy scene is no where near being as diverse as it should be. If this continues, then NYC gay nightlife will one day have about as much luster as a burned out charcoal briquette. That is if it doesn't already.

To managers and promoters, I believe that's your cue to get it fixed, so New York City nightlife can start having a REAL shine once again.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Write That Down #5

I felt the need to write this thought down, because it best explains the reason why I felt the need to start my category of "On Racist Blast":

I don't really see color when seeing beauty, but the fact is that at some point in the day, one must look in the mirror. Think about it - if you look in the mirror, and with all the signs in advertising and club and bar eye candy presented to you, you then realize when you look in the mirror that your reflection is the 1st (and maybe even the only) time you've seen your skin color thought of as "beautiful" all day. For some who are without a strong degree of self-esteem, because you had to say it to yourself, this may wear down your spirit. So I say this to re-affirm those who have been put in doubt of how their non-White skin can be just as (if not more) beautiful than the media attempts to portray White skin to be.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Richer Unemployed

You might think that after losing my job at Kenyon & Kenyon LLP back in March, that like many, I would be in some degree of misery. Well, if my blog posts since then is any indication, then I'm not in a degree of misery. In fact, I'm actually happier. Happier to the point that I will even dare to say that my writing has become better since that time.

I can't believe that I actually have to thank that HR Director for being a bitch, and my former manager for being the administrative staff's lap-dog. As I said in that post, I gave them a reason to fire me. The problem is that they were looking for one, not because I was a lousy worker (because I was actually one of their best), but because I stood up for people who worked in fear of justifiably speaking their mind. And I don't care how many jobs I lose in my lifetime because I stand up for the underdog, for doing so ---- I will never be sorry. For I know, it will bring forth good karma.

That good karma may very well be hovering over me right now. I recently told my friend Anthony that in spite of some financial strain from being unemployed, I feel richer being unemployed than I did when I was employed.

For me, or anyone to be able to make such a statement is a real shame to the workforce of our society. And what's worst is that I know I'm not the only one. To make such a statement means that the company you were working for was not doing their job of keeping up good company morale. You see, company morale has a ripple effect. It starts from the center, and continues its effect on everything else in it's surroundings. That center at Kenyon & Kenyon LLP are the managing partners and the administrative staff. If they are not mentally and emotionally up to par in creating good company morale, then the rest of the staff like the associate attorneys, paralegals, secretaries, and office services people like I was are all doomed to be miserable unless we find a way to avoid that misery. This usually meant performing the age-old tradition of making each other laugh to keep from crying. And with the greatest unfairness, the mailroom got the biggest brunt of being chastised for this with no one speaking on our behalf of how illogical it is to do so.

Since my termination of employment, you have been constantly reading of my involvement with something new. There's my dance video. There's my stint as an extra in Casper Andreas' upcoming film, "Violet Tendencies". There's the Fu Manchu movie I've been working on for my friend Marc. There's my new involvement with Jones Model Management. And most recently, my being a part of Zach Hyman's "Decent Exposures" series. Plus other projects that I haven't mentioned. As well as traveling outside of NYC on my various weekends to Fire Island this summer. What's so great about that is the fact that I grew up never going anywhere outside of NYC, with family or on my own.


I was able to become a part of most of these things because of my unemployment. I've experience a part of my life that was long known about existing within myself, but at the time during my employment was untouched. You see, while at that job, I always talked a good game about how my future was not there at Kenyon or any place like it, but my actions for the most part spoke differently. I allowed the incompetence by way of inconsistency of the administrative staff at Kenyon & Kenyon LLP with their changing of the rules of taking days off, and unwarranted reprimands halt my progress. Now that I am no longer there, I am now unchained and unconfined. But don't get me wrong, I am still very much looking for work, because unemployment compensation doesn't last forever. But at least, my time unemployed has been used to start me far enough on a path that my mind and body are so free to chase my lifelong dreams that I am ready to take on the world with little chance of backpedaling.

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways, and if my life right now and the direction it's headed - while being unemployed of all things, isn't proof enough, ----then I don't know what is.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The "Resurrection" Unveiling

You may recall in my last post, my mention of my posing for photographer, Zach Hyman's latest photo in his "Decent Exposures" series. I decided to wait until the unveiling to tell of any of the emotions I had while posing for this photo.

First off, minus the watermark, here's the photo, entitled "Resurrection":


To my surprise, a friend of mine took this picture of it with his cameraphone. For a much clearer picture, you should venture to Zach's website to see all the pics in this collection by clicking HERE.

In my previous post, I mentioned how special this shoot was. What made it so special was because while it was the shortest nude shoot I have ever done, it was also the most liberating.

In previous nude shoots that I've done, whether it was in a studio or on the set of one of the porn movies I had done, until this shoot, I didn't realize that those were safe confines that I took for granted. On my previous nude shoots, everyone in the room is in the same mindset of what they want to come of this. Everyone knows that a nude body is going to be on display, and they're OK with that. But for shooting "Resurrection", we were out in Central Park. In front of an unsuspecting public where the mindsets of 2 extremes and everyone in between collide. One extreme being those applauding what we were doing, the other extreme being those hypocritical prudes damning what we were doing, and in between being those who shrug it off by saying, "Just another day in New York City."

The friend who was with me at Art Live 09 at Chair And The Maiden Gallery, which is where "Resurrection" was unveiled (along with the works of many other talented artists) called me Friday night to tell me that Zach Hyman was on CNN. I quickly turned the channel to see the tail end of him and Kathleen Neill, the model who was arrested the previous week at The Metropolitan Museum of Art being interviewed by Campbell Brown.

What I gathered from those brief minutes of Campbell Brown was the very same hypocritical prudishness that I mentioned earlier. There was nothing obscene about the shot I or any of the other models did. Yes, they may have been children around, but none of us were masturbating, or engaging in sexual activity of any kind. We were all ONLY 1 thing - nude. Therefore, in not 1 single photo in this series did we contribute to the delinquency of a minor, as that security guard at The Met tried to imply about Kathleen Neill, so they could make themselves look like a hero by playing on typical American repression of so many natural things. If any of the minors that saw any of these shoots became delinquent, they probably started at home with their parents turning a blind eye, long before they saw any of us get naked.

It will be a long time before I forget this shoot. In fact, I doubt if I ever will, because as you can see, it has caused me to look so deep into so many things. Some I have thought of in the past, and some I haven't thought about much at all. And it's ventures that make you look beyond the surface that are the ones that stay with you the longest.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Come See Me: Photographed by Zach Hyman

If you read the NY Post, you may be familiar with the name Zach Hyman. Last week, while trying to do a photo shoot at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, him and his nude female model were arrested for public lewdness.

What is the relevance of me telling you this, you ask? It's because this past Sunday, in Central Park, I became his next subject for his exhibit, Decent Exposures. And the final product will be on display tomorrow night at Chair And The Maiden Gallery at 19 Christopher Street (between 6th & 7th Avenues).

This all came about by way of a friend on Facebook. So to all those who think, nothing can come from networking with friends on Facebook, this tale proves you wrong.

As most of my loyal followers know, I have been photographed by a good number of photographers, including myself. Most being for pornographic purposes.
by Charles Hovland by Tyson Cane
by Photo Freedom by D
by Tre Xavier
This shoot wasn't pornographic, and while it was special because of how short it was, it was also special for other reasons that I won't get into here. So that come Thursday, we'll have somehting to talk about. Hence why you have to come see me Thursday night at the gallery between 6 -8 PM EST.

Hope to see you there.

Fleshlight Launch

Lust Cinema