While I'm turning 38 this year, you would think that I would have realized my sexual orientation sooner. But like for most people that come to that realization late in life, there is always one or more factors that cause that delay. In my case, that delay was caused by obeying the rules I was forced to believe are the Christian rules regarding sexuality.
Now before I go further, let me say to all atheists reading this:
This blog entry is not forcing my faith in God upon you. So out of respect for that, do not put your atheist rhetoric of "there is no God" in my comment section. Because you will find what you say quickly deleted. This post is for those who have, still do have, or are considering having a faith in God. If that is not you, and you don't want to risk finding yourself enlightened by what I say here, then leave this post now.
I do believe these rules were forced upon me, because during my inner-conflict and my thoughts of suicide, I always prayed to God, "If I have something to live for, please stop me."
Now here I am, still alive, well, and in a little more than a month, I'll hit the big 3-8. And I say it with no shame, the number 38. Why others who may have tried the same thing, yet are no longer with us is a question I can't answer. All I can do is use the reality that I'm alive to the best of my abilities.
I notice that many gays who have a religious background often give it up when they come out. I didn't leave religion behind when I came to terms with my sexuality 7 years ago, and still to this day maintain a relationship with God. I will admit that I don't go to church as often as I did about 7 years ago, but that's mostly because of my increased social standing makes me need my weekend mornings (and sometimes evenings) to rest. And that day just happens to usually fall on Sunday.
Many religious people show themselves to be their religions' own worst enemy. The ousting (and in some religions, all out killing) of out gay/bi members says nothing about God. It however say plenty about them.
For centuries, people who follow a certain religion have claimed that their act of ostracizing an individual was "God's will". Is it really God's will to distance himself from someone for loving another consenting adult? I don't believe so. That may be a Old Testament notion, but not a New Testament one. Once I realize that, plus the fact that while I had a sexual attraction to women, no matter how hard I tried by trying to make myself more religious, my even stronger sexual attraction for men wouldn't go away, I realized what was at play amongst the religious people who are so quick to point a "shame-on-you" finger at me.
It was, is, and always will be the age-old trick of people creating a diversion by making you look at others so they can hide their own flawed (maybe even more so soul-damaging behavior). I mean, just imagine what kind of skeletons are in Bill O'Reilly's closet. There's probably enough there that if you poured them into the Central Park lake, the lake would flood the streets of half of New York City. I will admit that my mother was one of those people. I am one of 4 children. All 4 of us born out of wedlock, with 3 fathers between us. Now before you pass judgement on her, like some insignificant bitches have tried, I will give her credit where credit is due. While most of the self-righteous Bill O'Reilly's out there are too busy working to really be parents (or do it only on weekends while the nannies they hire are the real parents of their children Monday through Friday), at least my mother was actually a parent there able to tend to her children.
I personally see no reason why gays pull away from God once they come out. If you acknowledge God's existence before coming out, why stop after. I feel if you stop, then all those religious people coming with their "holier-than-thou" attitude have won. Because while their "holier-than-thou" attitude shows them to be losers on the DL, you are an obvious loser for all the world to see by letting them make you walk away. Letting your staying put say, "What makes you better than me? Nothing. You are a flawed creature, just as I. God knows it, and loves me just as he loves you with all you flaws. So how dare you play judge, jury, and executioner over him? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! Now take that finger you're pointing at me, and stick it where you can get the needed jolt so that you'll see the light of right ---- in your mirror."
I'm not saying it's easy to do, but it does help me to know that I am a worthwhile existence by not letting religious hypocritical hate-mongers (e.g. unwed parents, rich parents letting nannies raise their kids, verbally and/or physically abusive heterosexual parents, etc.) dictate to me how because of my loving a man, God will not love me. Well in that case, God doesn't love a person who parents a child without a spouse. God doesn't love the rich parent who lets monetary greed make them push their responsibility of parenting on to someone for hire. Nor does God love the straight man or woman who verbally and/or physically beats down their loved ones, but as long your boinking is for straight sex, you're OK.
All that is straight up BULL!!!!
It's time for openly gay/bi men and women to reclaim how much God is our savior just as much as he is of any straight person. I've never let straight people claim God as being only their savior. Are you doing the same? And if not, what are you waiting for?