Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Unusual Inaugural Emotional Swell

Many emotions were had by viewing the inauguration of President Barack Obama, and I am no exception. But mine might not seem so common. That shouldn't be a surprise, because after all - how often am I common?

Today I was watching some of the inauguration of our 44th President at work. I got there just in time to see him take the Presidential oath, and listen to his as usual, truthful and eloquent speech that followed. While I obviously have heard his speeches before, I have never really felt the overwhelming emotion that I've heard so many speak of. Well within the week after the election, it hit me for a moment while talking to some co-workers. I kind of forgot about it, but I doubt if that will happen again. Because during his speech at one point, I felt the same thing again while in that conference room full of people watching the CNN coverage on the screen.

A lump entered my throat. My eyes didn't well up with tears. Not one tear fell from my eye, or one tremor from my mouth like many do when they're about to cry. But there was a lump in my throat nonetheless.

That moment made me look at myself, and wonder why have I not been so revealing with my feelings of elation over this great moment in our nation's history. And the more I thought about it, the more I came to a very possible conclusion.

I have always used my faith in God to make him the one and only power in this universe capable of hurting me. I've allowed my fellow human beings to only be capable of disappointing me. I believe that's how I survived all the broken promises made to me while I was growing up about how I was going to get something, and when the expected date arrives - nothing. And once I grew up and started becoming more social, then seeing how many people at work, in romance, and friendships let me down, I build up a special wall that few people understand.

You see, while I am capable of love, giving and receiving, in whatever form of a relationship - when I feel I'm about to be let down, I guess you could say that a wall comes up to protect my heart, but allows one to metaphorically scar my skin covering the heart as a reminder of the harm that person is capable of doing. I was probably thinking better the scar as a reminder, than the hurt I would have felt if they were allowed to cut through the skin and actually break my heart. Because scars usually heal faster, and the faster they heal, the more they are just disappointments. However, the bigger the scar, and if it is deep enough to become a cut - then you're hurt. It stings and the pain lingers. And that's what I've been protecting myself from.

Now extreme as that is, and since I have often said in quite a few entries this blog that I am an extremist, it would be safe to say that it would take something extreme to cause me a breakdown in emotions when it means I must take the risk and have faith in so many of my fellow human beings at one time. And I believe that being in a room or area filled with the energy of so many people taken by this turning point in history, and realizing the same thing is just the kind of extreme measure to bring me near that emotional breakdown.

I hope that great moment in history where after over 200 years of this country's existence with so many smart people of various colors making it what it is, that many at long last saw a qualified non-White man, Mr. Barack Obama, and saw fit to let him become President Barack Obama, that we American citizens as a whole are ready to show that we've come to a point in the issue of race, where while I will still have to continue bringing up that wall to allow disappointment, but not hurt - maybe now, we've reached a point where I won't need to bring it up as often.

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