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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I Am The Most Beautiful

Monday morning, my friend Andrew took me as his guest to the Saints At Large party, "Champions". I ran into someone there whose name my most loyal readers have not heard for some time - Igor.

A few months ago was his birthday, and since I have grown to where I don't have to think of him as dead to me because the Chelsea boy mentality that he had at the time did not fit in my world, I tried to be a better man and sent him this email:

Hi Igor,

They say never say never
But while I doubt that we'll ever be friends again
I do hope that another year has made you wiser
Therefore, more so the person of depth
I always hoped you were

HAPPY BIRTHDAY


Peace, Love, and Faith 4 Infinity

He replied saying "Thanks" and that he claiming he found it to be a nice surprise from me.

Well during the "Champions" party, I realized that he was within viewing distance from me with some of his friends. I had 2 conflicting inner-voices. The 1st voice said, "Look at his friends. You need to see this. Look at them."

The 2nd voice said, "What the fuck for? In my desire to better my inner-self by being less shallow, I've decided that he and his kind have no place in my life."

The 1st voice replied, "That's why you need to look. To see whether or not "him and his kind" are the same bad thing you remember. So please - look?"
I caved and looked at them, and what I saw made me appalled with myself.

There was not 1 guy in that clique who didn't look like the gym was not his 2nd (maybe even 1st home) and gulps a body-building drink like it had the same necessity to living as water. They were all the negative stereotype of Chelsea boys. I say negative stereotype because I have yet to meet anyone that focused on their physique and their looks, yet have an equally beautiful character. The only ones who find that character beautiful is someone just as void of that inner-beauty.

What made me appalled with myself was remembering the fact that I was at one time one of those pretty people in his clique. And while I can be proud of the fact that the reason I'm still not in it is because my depth of character would not allow it, it doesn't change the fact that I was at risk of losing and not bettering that depth by being in his circle. Had I lost that, I would not have bettered myself to the point I am now where I can say compared to any Chelsea boy and one who shares those "standards", that "I am the most beautiful. And not because of the face and body that gets so many compliments from you, but because I have a heart I want to share with you, instead of hiding its light in a gym or blocking its shine by drenching it in a bevy of drinks from GNC."

So it seems that my birthday wish for Igor did not come true. If it did, i would not have seen what I saw. A group of friends so contrary to what I have. For I have friends that are all beautiful, but not by the Chelsea boy standard. They are all beautiful by the standard of being worthwhile existences by displaying humanity. My friends come in all colors, body types, and financial backgrounds. With Chelsea boys (and the like-minded counterparts across the globe) you need to have a certain financial standing to be an acceptable presence. After all, it takes a lot of money to make yourself pretty - especially when it's only for outer beauty.

I stopped going to events like "Champions" because it is such a tired scene of narcissistic cliques that is now become very much beneath me. It is a scene where the energy and fun you thrive on is that which you make yourself. I had fun, but it was made solely by me. I'm sure plenty of other party-goers fun and energy was drug induced. Therefore, the only way you'll be foolish enough to believe you're joining others in their energy is if you're on some drug that makes you that delusional.

I'm glad I saw Igor. I always wondered whether or not he had changed. And if he did change, then I would have felt sorry for kicking him out of my life. Now I see, I have nothing to feel sorry for, but I would have rather felt sorry than what I feel now. Because my feeling sorry would have meant that he accomplished maturing, so he did the right thing. Instead the reality is I did the right thing, because I accomplished maturing with no grudges weighing on me. The right thing that makes me the most beautiful where it counts - in the heart, mind, and soul.

4 comments:

  1. I want to be there with you. I too see the perils of depending on your beauty, but I see your blog as less of a critique and more of a wanting, wanting to be in that clique. I think you still want to be a part of it. This still has power over you. And if they turned aroung and said hey you are one of us and worthy to be with us, you would be far less critical. Your critique of them is more of them rejecting you than of you seeing the light. When was the last time you fucked a fat ugly person with a heart of gold and great soul.

    ReplyDelete
  2. First off, I've said it before and I'll say it again - commenting under the name "Anonymous" shows you don't have the balls to claim the validity of your statement. And in this case as in every other I've encountered on this blog, you shouldn't want to claim it, because it has no validity.
    To be honest, I have had encounters with guys who are to some degree overweight, and they got me because I saw a heart that made them more beautfiul than the pretty boys around me at the time. You see, just because I haven't written about it, doesn't mean it hasn't happened.
    And to further correct you, I am often approached by the gorgeous guys, and when they come off as another Chelsea boy type, I often make an excuse like "going to the bathroom", and when I return, I resurface all the way on the other side of the club. And if they see me, I could care less, because if they for a moment become less self-involved, they'll think about what they did wrong to make me want to vanish from them.
    So your critique of me is probably more of a wanting on your end to be in that clique. For me, that clique is a "been there, done that, now I hate it". I believe for you, it may be "never been there, want to do that". Well my advice to you is "try it at your own risk".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello Tre,

    I do not have a Google account, but in fairness, my name is Paul and I live in Washington Heights.

    What I am trying to say is that I think you do not go deep enough. My point is that I do not feel you are critiquing the system of exclusion (which I think you are still part of more than you realize), valuing to the point of exclusion based on the superficial, I feel that you are critiquing your own exclusion. And there is a difference.

    You are waiting outside of an exclusive club, where they choose you based on your looks. Those who get in, see no problems with that. Those who are excluded raise hell, and rightly so, but they are raising hell for the wrong reasons. They are critiquing the standards, not the system. I deserve to be in that club and you are discriminating against me because (fill in the blank) versus I reject the whole system of assessing value based on the superficial. My approach to this situation is not to wait in the line demanding that they expand their view of worthiness to include me. My approach is not to wait in the line, not to participate, not to give them that power, rejecting the system.

    As I write this, I realize it really doesn’t matter. We all take on life in our way and we can agree to disagree and let it be.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Paul, it would be every easy to agree to disagree IF you didn't type a comment on my blog falsely accsuing me of wanting something that I obviously don't. Like I said, this is YOU wanting this, and you're trying to accuse me that I do as a way of convincing yourself that you don't.
    At no point do I claim to wait in line. In fact, I was able to jump the line, and participated to an extent. And I have MORE THAN MADE IT CLEAR, that I abhor being one of those who did, and I am quite content and proud of where I am today.
    So it doesn't get more clear than the fact that if you do not falsely accuse me, I will not verbally attack.

    ReplyDelete

I HIGHLY respect those willing to stand behind their comments with a name. So if you use "Anonymous" on a viewpoint that challenges mine, IT WILL BE DELETED for your cowardice to not show yourself makes your viewpoint and you irrelevant.

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