Monday, August 22, 2016

Porn-Induced PTSD

The other day, I posted on Facebook about an incident that occurred the night before at The Cock's underwear party, Playpen, in which a guy from my past invaded my personal space. As I was writing about that incident, I realized that while being angry about someone invading your personal space is a natural and justified response, I saw myself get on the verge of violence. And it's not the 1st time that violent urge has occurred as an instantaneous response. Luckily for me, having outlets like my drawing and writing have been my therapy to hold the monster back.

This initial violent urge started after I retired from doing gay porn. Don't get me wrong. I have always been protective of my personal space, as everyone should be. However, my 1st response would be to instinctively yell at my violator. Much like a dog barks at a violator to warn them to not proceed with that violation, for an attack with violence will be the next action. The problem is after I retired from porn, I see now that my initial reaction to violations of my personal space has me having to force myself to do the instinctive yell. For my more instinctive initial reaction is to get violent to protect my personal space. Realizing that let me know something is wrong. So now I had to figure out what exactly is wrong.

What I have concluded is that it's some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) brought on by my time in porn. And if you are a gay male, and this claim seems odd to you, then it's a hideous sign of how we as gay males are taught to have no boundaries for who we let touch our bodies, unless based on superficial credentials. Such as skin color and financial standing.

As gay males, we are led by many to allow any- and everybody to touch us. It started from the high number of gay youths who had to turn to prostitution after being thrown out of their homes by hypocritical Jesus freak parents/guardians. So it was a means of survival. For them. The problem now is that the chain of abuse has been put in play. For older gay males are prostitutes' primary clientele. So they teach the newly out gays that letting yourself be touched, no matter how disgusted you are by the person is how you survive. It's how you get ahead.

This is especially true in gay nightlife. Even more so if they're willing to tip. You are to let it be a stroke to your ego, because such appreciation for your beauty won't last forever. Well, I'm 45 and patrons still try stroking my ego - so so much for that theory.

Now, for those times that a patron is a cheap piece of shit who cops a feel without tipping, you're allowed your human nature to be annoyed by that patron feeling entitled to your body just because you're scantily clad. However, the desired reaction from you is to suck it up to avoid making a scene. And in the gay community, since the worlds of nightlife often lead to gay porn that set of rules follow. Rules that I myself allowed.

For when I was in porn, I would go out and be a lot more permissive of guys touching me, even if I didn't want them to. It was a means to sell a love for the porn persona.

Now, with me no longer needing to sell that image, my body is 100% MINE. I can be out and about in my undies or naked at an underwear or nude party, and feel no obligation to be touched if I don't want to. And my being in my underwear or naked entitles no one to put their hands on my body without an invitation from me via eye contact or verbal means.

I've long realized that the porn industry as a whole gives a false sense to performers that they own their own bodies. Unfortunately, the fact is it's the studio you're an exclusive for that owns your body. If you're not a studio exclusive, like I never was, then that ownership of your body is being passed along like a baton in a relay race. So regardless as to whether you are a studio exclusive or not, your body is never yours. And it will never be yours again until you leave the industry. This realization is what gave birth to my poem, "Boss of My Body".

This aftermath of being in porn further proves why I'm right to advise guys to not get in it. It's an ongoing process of no longer living that life. Maybe I would have less of these conflicts with guys invading my personal space if I wasn't an exhibitionist. However, that doesn't diminish the fact that I have a right to be an exhibitionist in an allowing space. It doesn't diminish the fact that "No" means NO the 1st time. Nor does it exonerate the guys who invade my personal space from deserving shame for their blatant social ineptitude that makes them disregard my saying "NO".

Violence as punishment is something I hope to continue to avoid. I have used various art forms as therapy to avoid it thus far, and I plan on continuing to do so.

With that said, I do feel for those past and present in the porn industry who are suffering from that stress, or will be in the future. For the lights of their porn-stardom will fade on them at some point. Either by their own choice, and/or by an undesired exile by the industry's ongoing desire to prey upon the desperation for validation and naivete in newer and younger models. Thereby, kicking out who they feel is old and overexposed.

So I wonder, will they mature as I have? Will they realize that there is a problem? If so, do they have the means to get those feelings out like I do? Or will it eat them up inside, and cause them to act out? Or will they do as most (if not all) present porn directors who used to be porn actors?...Start their own porn company with the same rules they were taught, thereby leading the chain of porn-induced PTSD to continue.

For some, these questions have already been answered. For others, all we can do is wait, and hope for the best. Unfortunately, as long as the industry continues to endorse prostitutes and gay-for-pay bitches in denial before exhibitionists, it's sad to say that we must expect the worst, while hoping for the best.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Why This Horny Boy Fights The Joy of Weed

I've experimented with many drugs in my time. Always looking to find what's the draw. Marijuana is no exception. In fact, I know the draw of marijuana for me if I was to do it on the regular. Hence why I hardly do it ever. That reason being that it makes me greedy for 2 things I love the taste of ---- FOOD & SEX.
FOOD - I food. And UNlaced marijuana gives me the munchies like it's always been known to. So considering that I'm always open to trying new foods, or eager to try a favorite food when it's made by someone else, then marijuana would have me eating everything in my path. This runs the risk of making my slim fit physique disappear in no time. So with my cherishing of my energy and flexibility at my age, I can't put that at risk, and still proclaim and try to encourage self-love the way I do. For it would make me one of the things that I hate most,...A HYPOCRITE.
SEX - Now, after reading this, some of my fuck-buddies who smoke weed are going to trying to get me high as a kite. Because good pure marijuana does relax you. It makes you eager to relax into whatever you're enjoying. With that said, what kind of effect would you suspect that marijuana has on me? Especially when it comes to sex, which I enjoy immensely.
Well, keep in mind how I'm versatile. However, the relaxation effect of marijuana makes me have less of a desire to be a top. I'll still get a raging, topping-ready hard-on because I'll always will have a craving to have my cock stimulated. I just won't want to use it to do any topping. Instead, I just want to lay back and enjoy the sex. However, I've always said that when I bottom, good dick makes me quickly morph into a power bottom. But marijuana doesn't only make my stomach want to be fed. It also makes my ass want to be fed ---- To the point that while I'm verbal during sex, in a way that I can well-verbalize my joy and desires to go further, Pot makes me overact and sound like your typical white American porn actor. So my usual verbal skill of being descriptive in saying how much I love my top's cock is still there, but it takes a backseat to the overdoing of moans and groans. So marijuana makes me go from being totally versatile to an overacting versatile super power bottom.

Now, all of that noise is probably a major ego stroke during sex to my sex partner. Especially, if he happens to be a pothead. Let's take what I said at the start of this section about how my fuck buddies who smoke marijuana are going to try to get me high as a kite after reading this. Well, I didn't mention the former fuck-buddies who became "former" by us simply losing touch. With them, I won't be surprised if the ones who smoke weed start coming out of nowhere wanting a Cannabis Bliss Reunion.

So now you see why I don't smoke pot. With food, I don't want to become overweight. In regards to sex, I love and respect sex. So because of that respect, I need my brain clear so I can honestly critique both my partner's and myself's part in sex. By loving sex without my mind being altered.

Not even by a natural substance like cannabis.

Friday, July 22, 2016

New Orgasm: Exploring The Onyx

As some of you may know that I've been blogging for the sex toy company Kiiroo since the end of 2015. Never getting their best known product, the interactive male masturbation sleeve, the Onyx.

Now, if you know my reputation and how I don't associate myself with anything I don't know is good, then me writing for Kiiroo without knowing how well is Onyx works might puzzle you. Well, I can best explain that move by my experience 6 years ago with the sex toy, Real Touch. That experience showed me that the technology for such a device is there, so it would be ludicrous for a company to put their name out there in such high profile if their product can't deliver its claimed features.

Features such as:
  • Being interactive with Kiiroo's female vibrator, Pearl. 
  • Being intertactive with another Onyx
  • Reacting to the actions of some interactive porn websites
  • Hand-sensors on top of the device
Such features make this the toy males have been dreaming of since the human male has been traveling away from their sex partners, as well as since they have been masturbating to porn. So why is it that I have been having trouble getting off to using Kiiroo Onyx?

Perhaps a look at my masturbation and orgasm history might explain it.

I've been masturbating with a simple jerk-off since I was 9 or 10 years old. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 30 going on 31, and back then, the orgasm I got from sex was a mental one. The physical orgasm came again from jerking off as masturbation after the sex. I started masturbating with a Fleshlight when they first came out, but my method of masturbation over 95% of the time remained being jerking off. I then played with a Tenga Fluip-Hole, and reviewed it with high marks, but reverted back to over 95% jerking off as masturbation. At this point, I didn't see myself able to orgasm during sex until I played with the Aneros prostate massagers my job gave me as a birthday present in 2014, I felt the potential to orgasm by being penetrated, but not touching myself last year, Stopping myself because of how foreign the feeling felt. So I redeemed only recently, by letting myself go during a hot encounter in which (at the old ass age of 45) I ejaculated while being penetrated.

Take note that every masturbation and orgasm experience listed in the previous paragraph had one commonality----either my hand, my crotch, or both were in motion. So now comes this sex toy that I bought where it is marketed (and I can testify as TRUE) to how none of that motion is necessary. All you have to do is stick your dick in, and it's like you've stepped into the porn actor's body. Feeling every sensation (technologically possible) that he's feeling from the mouth, pussy, or ass his cock is inside of. But once you get a hard-on, no motion is required from you.

Since your brain is your main sex organ by controlling all of the more known sex organs, such a change in masturbation technique is quite an undertaking for the mind. So it will take longer than usual to be taught a new way to orgasm. For every aforementioned change was just that, a lessons in a new way to orgasm.

With that said, it took some time for me to finally orgasm using the Kiiroo Onyx. I purchased a membership to the interactive porn site, and looked at a number of videos. Of the many I watched, they were about 3 that were bringing me closer and closer to an ejaculating orgasm by all of the quick mini-orgasms I had while the Onyx stroked me. I found them on Pornhub, and here they are:

I've always had a thing for male straight pornstar Ben English. Before my becoming sexually active and since, my NON-size-queen self always felt he knew how to work his big dick. And I love a man getting sweaty from sex. So imagine the joy I felt watching him glisten with sweat from pleasuring, not 1, but 2 bodies:

This gay video piqued my interest with its caramel brown Latin boys (one with a nice tanline), 2 both with great asses (the slim guy has a bouncy one), and sand sticking on the naked body getting wet from sex on the beach:

And I have always loved European porn and how they don't hold back on being more equal than American porn in showing the males, and making sure they have hot bodies just like the females.

Like I said, I got these videos off of Pornhub. Now, imagine watching these videos with a sex toy moving on your cock to the same rhythm as the action on the screen. Be that action a handjob, blowjob, or fucking. I learned this by how in the European orgy video, the Onyx started stroking me the second that hot guy's dick went into the woman's mouth.

With all of that said, if the Kiiroo Onyx is of interest to you, click the banners above or the picture of me with my Onyx below.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Naked Parties: Freedom & Openness Unveiled

I have either been to, or plan to attend a variety of naked parties. Some have been cocktail parties. Others were game nights. Some are naked drink-n-draws. And there are even some naked movie nights that I've been told about. 
Nudity is natural beauty of the human body. A natural beauty that can just be admired for ridding us of the pretentiousness clothes often bring to us. Or it can be a natural beauty that is considered sexy. Unfortunately, we Americans usually don't associate nudity with being calming or sexy. Instead, we are taught that with nudity... comes deplorable sex, and one cannot exist without the other. Hence why naked parties are seen as taboo here, while other parts of the globe are finding my need to write this post totally unnecessary. Well, let me tell you that is not at all the case.

A naked party might allow sex. However, that depends on the rules established by the host and/or the venue. And whatever their rules are, we must respect them. But sex does not have to be on the agenda when a naked party is being planned. The primary goal of a naked party is to give its guests a place to be free to show their true selves, because it's quite likely their time in clothes denies them of that so much.

Clothes are often a mask. An obstruction to seeing the natural beauty of the naked human form. I realize now why I have for a long time secretly hated the expression"Clothes make the man". In fact, if you take a moment and think about it, most people who cherish that expression tend to be the most pretentious, shallow creatures you will ever know. For it speaks volumes of one's integrity when they feel of greater value by putting on the mask that is clothes, instead of being true to themselves and what their individual nature craves are. So speaking of cravings, let's explore what can happen when sex, or even simple courtship enters the mix at a naked party. 

Brace yourself! For in your being naked, you might find yourself attracted to someone you wouldn't normally be attracted to if you were clothed. Don't fear this. Instead, go with it. For the absence of clothes has left you to focus on the most important parts of a person. Parts you can't see with the naked eye, but instead feel with your heart, mind, and soul... Their intellect and personality. So nudity gives you more of the person's inner-being to focus on. A gift only the deepest of us will cherish, and the shallow will fear and dismiss. 

Now, of course we are talking mostly about parties where alcohol is in the mix. So depending on how you behave when alcohol hits your system, you will behave in 1 of 3 ways to an attraction. You'll either: 
  • A) allow your inhibitions to lower. Let them undo what you've been taught by society and media in regards to what is the "right" color and/or body size to like. Let the new sensation of openness towards a different color or body size takeover. I can definitely attest to this. For I'm not normally attracted to husky guys. However, I have been to some naked parties, and not just made out with one or more husky guys, but had full-on sex with them. And wouldn't mind doing it again. All because of the focus on the inner-being that the nudity at that party made happen;  
  • B) revert back to the rules you live by when you're clothed by interacting only with colors and body sizes deemed "socially acceptable" by your clothed clique. This is especially the case if people from that clothed clique are physically present, or too present in your mind. In which case comes the possibility of; 
  • C) you'll have moments of see-sawing between (A) and (B).
One added plus that I have come to notice at naked parties is that there is less unwanted touching at a naked party than at a bar/club's underwear party. Unwanted touching has happened to me at a bar's underwear party whether I'm wearing close to nothing, and so is the person trying to molest me, or by some clothed asshole who takes the rapist mindset of saying "since you're damn near naked, you asked for it." Proving my aforementioned point of how too many Americans treat nudity as being forever co-joined to sex. At naked parties however, I have yet to have this problem. For the nudity brings an ease to everyone to not be on edge. We can lower our guards and be more ourselves than when we dress up in uniforms, suits, and costumes to go to work, or even a clothed friend/family gathering.

And I believe such a freedom is what we were put on this earth to experience. That's why I proudly confess that I have been writing this entire post NAKED WITH NO SHAME. And I hope it inspires you to go to a safe space, or create one where you can do the same.

Lust Cinema