Humbling Suck, Redeeming Fuck

Recently, I went to Macho Mondays at Nowhere Bar here in NYC. I arrived later than planned - THANKS MTA. Once I finally got there, a couple of yards away, I saw a friend of mine talking to a cute guy. In case there was something going on there, I didn't want to intrude, so I didn't go up to this friend and say "hello" just yet.

A little later on, I started walking around the bar to avoid looking like a statue, and I wound up so close to my friend that it would have been rude of me to not say "hello", so I did. He then did the introductions between me and the cute guy, and I felt a connection to the cute guy right away. Even though the cute guy was introduced a his friend, you can never be sure unless told in exact words as to whether or not they really were friends, or was the cute guy someone he was just beginning to date, hence the introduction as "friend".

I didn't hang with them. I went to do my own thing, and gawk at the go-go boys from a distance. Especially the one who seems hell-bent on giving me a lap-dance. Truth is I want him to dance for me, but not on my lap - do a bump 'n' grind on my ass, and I'll be happier than a pig in slop. Anyway, I was standing near the bar, and the cute guy showed up.

I said, "Well, hello again."

He flashed me his child-like endearing smile, and returned a hello. He ordered his drink at the bar, and left. Some time later, he came back, and I joked with him saying, "We must stop meeting like this."

He gave me that smile again, and asked me if I was having fun. I told him I was, and asked if he was having fun. He said, "Yes", then while holding my gaze into his  beautiful blue eyes, he slowly took my hand. That led to us standing there leaning our heads against each other with that tension of wanting to kiss, but not.

He asked me where I lived, and I told him the Bronx. I return the question, and it turns out he didn't live far. We did a little small talk, and we took a breath, let our heads meet again, but this time we gave in ----and kissed. As soon as we started rubbing each other's chest, I knew at least for that night, I was his, and he was mine. And it was confirmed when our talking about where we lived, was rehashed by him extending an invitation to me to come back to his place. I accepted. He went to say goodbye to his friend. When he returned, we left the bar.

Once at his place, he wasted no time in getting undressed. So much so that I had to hurry in order to catch up. He was stripped down to his underwear, and I totally forgot that I went commando that night. So once he saw that I had no underwear on, he lost his as well.

Here's my constant dilema with being versatile - if I think about topping, I'm always wanting the other guy to be just as versatile as well, so unless we talk about who is what (top, bottom, versatile), I'm always anxious because I don't know what to desire of the other guy. This time was no different, especially because he had a nice thick cock I wanted to wrap my hole around, but also a nice plump ass I would to check the bounce of by slamming into it.

We laid on the bed and started making out. My hands could not get enough of his massaging his ass, then to be fair in sending sensation to all parts, I went down to suck his dick. Now when giving a blow-job, I've gotten used to the reaction from a guy of intense moaning and that muscle under the shaft contracting like he's about to shoot a load into my mouth at any second. So what happened next was a shock.

As he laid there, I was just sucking away, but I realized that I wasn't getting either of the aforementioned reactions. It turns out ---he fell asleep. Considering my past result from giving a blow-job, this was a bit of a blow to my sexual ego. I thought to myself, "Oh no he didn't! (in the words of Bernie Mac) This sommumabitch! He fell asleep during one of MY blow-jobs?! What the fuck!

This was a humbling moment as my initial reaction shows that I was beginning to believe that I gave a good enough blow-job that it could probably resurrect the dead. This momnent showed me that was not the case. So once I got over myself, I took note that he may have had an early day that had exhausted him. A day that didn't lessen his attraction to me, or his desire to have his horniness satisfied by me because of that attraction. So with that  and my Aries determination in mind, I was sure that I would get to have a deeper connection with that body by morning. So I cuddled with him. Going to sleep with major wood, because I went to sleep massaging his ass cheeks, and fingering around his hole.

I never slept straight through the night. I woke up occasionally and would continue playing with his ass. With each wake-up, my desire for us to fuck kept growing. That's why during one of those wake-ups, I started stroking his cock. Being how I love nature, and how the mind works, I was turned on to feel his dick getting hard in my hand while he was in a deep sleep.

When he finally woke up, he was all over me with our morning woods rubbing between us. Part of what was contributing to my morning wood was because I could feel that he was about to redeem himself from the night before. And he did.

At one point, with me laying on my back, he straddled me. He reached over into a drawer on the side of the bed and got out a condom and lube. Well, I found out his position once he started to put the condom on my dick, and lube up his ass. He guided my dick inside him, and it was so nice and tight. I laid there and started pumping into him with him moaning, "Oh yeah, fuck me!"

As much as I loved the feel of his soft ass cheeks cushioning against my groin, and his thick cock bobbing up and down in sync with my thrust into him, I wanted to really fuck him. So I turned him on his back staying inside him, and fucking him missionary. Now what top can really rate themselves? Exactly, none. But I will say that I must have done something right because his dick was hard the whole time I was fucking him. I later put him on his side, then on his stomach. This really turned me on to see how much his ass bounced by me banging into him. Which led me to go for doggy style, which he seemed to like most, and evidently so did my dick, because not only did I come, BUT I kept fucking him for a little bit more after until my slowly deflating cock fell out to a point where I knew I couldn't get it back in.

We laid there and he asked if I wanted some more, probably unaware that I came. And of course I did, but I decided to ask for what I haven't had yet ----his dick in my ass. So I responded with, "No. I'd much rather ride your dick."

He got out another condom, and I lubed up my ass, and slowly tried sliding down onto his thick dick, and had to add more lube because I was back to my mighty tight self. This time, when I slide onto his dick, I still could feel the tightness, but I wanted him so much that I went right to riding his dick HARD. Can you say, "Hurt So Good"?. He came, and I kept him inside me for a little bit longer, as I love the feel of a man's cock throbbing in my ass while shooting his load to the very last drop of cum is released.

We got in the shower with me showering first. By the time he entered I was pretty much done, so because of my kink for wet bodies I pretty much spent our time together in the shower watching the water and soap suds run off of him, and going down that sweet slope that is his ass. Once out of the shower, we got dressed. When he got in his underwear, his ass looked so hot in them that if we both didn't have plans for the day, I would have definitely fucked him good and hard again right then and there. Well after the redeeming piece of ass he gave me already....that would have been a bonus ;-)

"Press Is Press" - A Cry For Help

A few months ago, I went to a NY Jock Party, and saw Diesel Washington. He said that he had a bone to pick with me. He never told me what, and I know I never said anything offensive about him, so I brushed it off, and had my fun for the night. Then the day after Hustlaball, when I went to View Bar in NYC, where Diesel was one of the guest, I found out what his bone to pick with me was.

It seems that he was bothered by me using him as an example without informing him of it when I speak of the racism in the gay porn industry and how they act like the only image of a hot black male is big, dark-skinned, buffed, and quite often bald. I knew from the moment he spoke that there was nothing offensive about what I said. It's a reality, and if you benefit from it, just acknowledge that you benefit from it. If I said the he revels in it, then he might have had a right to be offended. Even while knowing I said nothing offensive, I still took time to listen. I have so much going on that it tooks days to process, then I realized I did nothing wrong.

With that in mind, I sent Diesel an email explaining all this, and how while he claims to be so much more than that image, it was not the focus of my posts, nor is it my job to promote that, just as I don't expect him to do it for me. That is, if such is the case, because the fact is he furthers that image of the "mandingo" as the only black male in every narrow-minded gay white American.

In response, I got this long-winded email from him claiming how my blogs make me sound "jaded and bitter". Why would I be jaded and bitter? I'm not the one who in a recent post was complaining about how he can't just unwind at a sex party - Diesel is. I'm not the one complaining about how he's "jaded about relqationships", but Diesel is. Any mental health professional will confirm that such complaints from Diesel show that he is a prisoner of his own celebrity. It's the usual case of someone saying "you're this and you're that", when the finger really should be pointed in their mirror.

So whose "jaded and bitter"? Not me, especially since my retirement, I no longer have the complaints Diesel has. For since retiring, I've been dating more than I've dated during my entire time in the porn industry. Dating guys who know of my porn past, my non-apologetic attitude for that past, and the still sexually-free nature that allowed it, with the icing on the cake being the intellect and standards that I'm not afraid to show, because I won't lower myself to playing a fool's game. I'm just the one calling a spade a spade, and taking solace in that, and many people have been respecting me for it, with even more people respecting me now. And with a fan-base of actual thinkers, instead of a bunch of dim-witted White American creatures of habit, I have every reason to have the smile on my face that I now have. For the actual thinkers are the ones I want knowing my name.

Any loyal reader to this blog knows that the mood shifts constantly. Today a serious topic, a couple of days later - a sex tale, or one week -dealing with issues, the next week - sexual fantasies. I have always maintained a balance. So another one of Diesel's claims from his email about how I'm always attacking someone is nothing more than him buying into the image that sites like The Sword, Unzipped, and Fleshbot have painted of me as suffering from ABMS (Angry Black Man Syndrome), because I have often tipped these sites off to my blog posts of lighter fair, but they practically never mention them. And if they do, they try insulting me in the process, which lessens its sex appeal. Yet they mention such tales from white performers with just occasional insult. So if I attack these sites, I have every justifiable reason to do so. There is an obvious bias in their so-called reporting.

Also, in his email, while I insisted on keeping this matter between us private so that we wouldn't give the racist hypocrites in gay porn media ammo to say how blacks don't stick together. He kept baiting me at least 3 times to post it in a blog. Rather than play to his infantile cry for attention, I decided that if he mentions it at all, then I'll make out disagreement public here.

Like the saying goes of keeping your friends close, but keep your enemies closer, I kept occasionally checking his blog to make sure he was keeping quiet (hence how I got the previous links on his blog), as while I made it clear I didn't want to make this disagreement public and spreading over the blog-o-pshere (as I've grown secure enough to not need such attention), his baiting me showed that he wanted the attention, so he needed to be watched. And it came one day, when I saw on his blog that he mentioned names of who he had blog wars with, and I was one of the names he mentioned. I thought to myself, "No he did not include me in that". For (1) it wasn't a blog war, and (2) if it was asked to be kept private for the good reason I believe I gave, then a mature adult would have agreed and kept it as such, instead of trying to make it seem like this infantile battle with me over his stereotypical porn ego was some war wound to brag about.

Because of that mention of my name, in a post on MOC Blog about him, I wrote this comment:

After my recent email exchange with Diesel Washington (one that I tried to keep private while he's making public), I've come to realize that people don't assume he's an idiot because he does porn. It's because he sides with the very people who are part of the problem, and never challenges them to be part of the solution. People like Unzipped Magazine and The Sword.

He saw this, and this past Thursday, he wrote a post about me. One that because of all I have going on, I didn't discover until this week. In it, he called me a Contributing Editor of MOC Blog. I'm sure this was an attempt to make me look weak for puting my response to him in a comment, instead of an entire post. Well that can be easily explained. For (1) I make it my business to never take a title that is not mine, and Contributing Editor of MOC Blog is NOT my title, it is as a Contributing WRITER. Therefore, if I write anything, it has to get Victor Hoff's OK to get posted, and (2)I never suggested writing a post about Diesel, because I was not about to waste Victor's web space on Diesel Washington's cry for attention. Furthermore, the situation didn't warrant an entire blog post. The combination of events (like these), and my nipping them in the bud - maybe, but not that one instance. Once again, the pornstar ego's cry for attention. And with all of my recent creative endeavors, I posted in blog posts, tweets, and Facebook updates, I have no desire to waste my time and perfectionist nature on satisfying his ego.

So why am I writing this post, while it gives Diesel the attention he craves so much? Because (1)while Diesel is attemtping to make me look bad, he's making MOC Blog look bad as well by claiming I have a higher title than I actually have with MOC Blog. And to believe such a false claim of my position with MOC Blog can make readers lose respect just as I lost respect for Unzipped because of Zach Sire's racial insensitivity, and I lost respect for The Sword for promoting Paul Bookstaber with his unprofessional antics. And my feeling is that you can say what you want about me, but leave my friends out of it, and (2) most importantly, to show how unlike his attack on me, which is a bunch of conjured-up tales to big himself up, I am delivering the facts of what happened and what any mental health professional can confirm as the reason for his actions. So I'll give Diesel attention, but not positive attention. And if he's foolish enough to believe in that saying of "press is press", then that's his cry for help to deal with, not mine.

I was advised by a good friend to just let this go, because it's all about ego. Now I can assure you that my ego is not bruised. For once I left the porn industry, I decided to conduct my online presence in confrontations the same way I conduct them in the real world. That method being that when a verbal confrontation arises, I say what I have to say, turn my back, and walk away - because when I'm done speaking, that's the end of the conversation, and in my eyes, the end of you. And that is why Diesel's 2nd reply email was deleted UNREAD, as it was me closing the matter privately. And now, due to the aforementioned provocation of including someone else, no matter what he or any goonies says in return, I am publicly saying my piece on the matter, therefore this is the end of this matter.

Write That Down #7

This quote for my "Write That Down" category, I believe is so self explanatory that a backstory is unnecessary. However, you will be able to gather the backstory soon enough. So write this down....

I don't believe in the old saying of "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." Because there may come a time when you'll need one arm to lift up the friend, but in the very same breath, use the other arm to push the enemy down his long overdue trip to hell. At that time, you'll need both - friend and enemy, just as close.

Sex Worker Literati

This past Wednesday morning, I received an email about 8:45 AM. It was from Audacia Ray. What was so strange about this was the fact that I at the time I received this email I was working on the draft for my post, "Including The Ladies" to the point that I had already mentioned her.

I told Audacia about this and she replied with, "I guess my bloggy sense was tingling!"

It turns out that since August, Audacia has been co-hosting a reading/performance series called, Sex Worker Literati with author and editor David Henry Sterry. And on Thursday, December 3rd, they are having a rent boy and gay porn star night, and an invitation was extended to me be do a reading or performance.

I'm quite honored to be asked, because it shows that my plan to be recognize for my talents like writing is going beyond my time in blue movies. In addtion, knowing that another guest inlcudes Jeffrey Escoffier, the author of the recently published book "Bigger Than Life: The History of Gay Porn Cinema from Beefcake to Hardcore" is going to be there doesn't hurt either, who I saw before at the LGBT Center, where I boldly asked questions.

I can tell you now that I don't plan to do just an ordinary reading. I want my appearance there to be this blog coming to life for you, so I hope to use some interactive media, and hold your interest. Maybe even more so than I do in a regular post that you read here.

So MARK YOUR CALENDARS for:

SEX WORKER LITERATI 

Thursday, December 3, 2009

8:00pm - 10:00pm

@Happy Ending

302 Broome Street

(between Forsyth and Eldridge)

New York City

21 and up + FREE

Please come out and support as a portion of proceeds from the bar supports sex workers rights groups.